Just a 20 something.

As SZA sings I can’t help but wonder about how much these 20 somethings might mean to me one day. And, boy they say your teenage years are the hardest. Becoming a 20 something, I feel like I dived into a whole new sea of life. Reflecting, my teenage years feel like the search for this sea. I struggled and lived through that journey of being a child and adolescent. Your 20's are truly putting what you have learned from all sources while shaped by your resources to test. Everything up until now has and hasn’t prepared me for what is to come. Something about this song just explains the feelings I could never really get a grasp on when I think about my 20’s. SZA glides on this song like a angel and it gives me chills and a sense of understanding, just like life in my 20's so far. Just from the lyrics and power in her voice I know she’s experiencing everything I usually am feeling. She sings “Praying these 20s somethings don’t kill me” and that’s exactly it. Diving into this new sea of 20s, the skill of trying to swim and explore while trying to keep your head above the water and not drown is one that is hard to master. I always stumble upon the debate of what your 20s should be. And, the one quote I always see is “Your 20’s are your selfish years”. Debate me, but I agree and disagree with this. Depending on what being selfish means to you and where you are by the time you hit your 20 somethings, this might just not be a option for you. Your 20’s are defined by you, make it what you are and want it to be. Trying to avoid “keeping up” but moving at my own pace.

Your 20's are truly a see-saw of emotions and experiences. It’s a battle of knowing, not knowing and figuring out life. It breeds thrill and happiness with a twist of confusion and frustration. It’s a constant clash of having it together and getting it together. It’s a collision of not completely having no responsibilities and taking on responsibility. Old enough to know better but young enough to still go for it. You now have the keys to navigate the world but still in the midst of chaos of understanding it. It is truly consistent alternation of trying to find stability but not get too complacent.

I just completed college and I am constantly feeling the rush to continue accomplishing and learning more. Always keeping things moving in my life. I have figured out my passions but the next step is to invest in them. They say this is the best time to dream big, make things happen for yourself and if you fall on your ass it’s a lesson to learn from. Investing in your dreams requires time, money, optimism and persistence. In order for me to complete the next step towards my main career, I have to further my education and get my masters degree. I believe in myself that I can work hard and make it through, but the debt I will have added on to my already large debt makes me question all the time if its worth it. My other career goals are slowing manifesting itself in different ways as well.

My 20's, they say dream endlessly but what kills it is reality.

Loving yourself and knowing who you are is essential before loving someone else. But somehow its inevitable to dip and dabble in situation-ships and relationships in your 20s. We are meeting tons of people all the time and constantly making connections and its natural to like and eventually fall for someone. When I think of dating in my 20s, there is a continuous indecision I face of learning and focusing on myself while still wanting companionship and love. Although, I want to enjoy the pleasures of life its natural to want to have someone by my side to make it even a sweeter experience. Its been hard just dipping my feet into the dating world in my 20s because I’m not sure I even fit in with this generation. Sometimes I feel too transparent and not afraid to actually feel. Sometimes I feel I am too mature for the fun and games all the time but not wanting to commit myself again unless its real. Relationships require so much effort, time and maturity but with the right person that is for you it can only add to your growth. I aspire to be married in my late 20s but how can that happen if I don’t lay the foundation.

“How you ain’t say you were moving forward, honesty hurts when your getting older” . . Ain’t got nothin’, running’ from love , Only know fear . . That’s me, Ms. 20 Something.. — SZA

I feel that in my soul. Heartbreak truly seems to get worst as I get older because things naturally become more serious. And, the person your with simply becomes a huge part of your life, they eventually begin to become apart of those life decisions that are already confusing to make in themselves. Pouring into we without neglecting me is stressful. Struggling between going with the flow and enjoying the moment yet not wasting time fighting for something that may not be meant to be drains me. It’s a blur of I’m feeling you but don’t get too comfortable. I can’t lie love in my 20s, seems just as emotionally draining as exciting. It makes you want to run from it, so I understand SZA.

“Hoping my 20 somethings won’t end, hoping to keep the rest of my friends . . Praying the 20 somethings don’t kill me, don’t kill me. .” — SZA

Friends come and go. I’ve mentally reformed myself to value friendships less in my teenage years because of this. The more I learn more about myself, the more I realize how different I think I am from others. I just don’t think I think the same as most people I’ve been friends with do. And, the energy you have around you holds a lot of influence. Occasionally, I think about the type of friend I am and reflect on past friendships that have crumbled. I am still learning how to be a friend. Being honest with myself, I don’t know if I’ll ever master it just because of who I am. Has anybody ever felt like that?

Its not easy for me to be a friend because a lot of times I always feel misunderstood by people in general. To understand me is to love me, because understanding me is hard. To some people, being a good friend is a easy thing. I do have some awesome friends but as my 20 somethings continue I continue to lose friends. Maybe those friends I had, it really wasn’t meant to be. I do try to analyze my flaws. Its hard for me to be what my friends expect of me, because I never fit the mold of what I think others want me to think or be like. I have a very individualistic mindset although I am a social person and that often times rubs people the wrong way. I am working on it. Friendships in my 20s, seem like a challenge of being myself while being what others expect of me.

I am truly searching for balance in these 20 somethings . .

“Good luck on them 20 somethings. .”

Thank you SZA.

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