Fifty Shades Reduction

Because you haven’t read the 387,000 other blogs out there on this same topic.

I fully admit to being one of the faithful Christian Grey fans that headed out to the theater (with husband in tow) to see the hype that is Fifty Shades of Grey. All but two friends have claimed to be disappointed, but I left thinking, the movie is exactly like the book, but with the fluff and terrible writing cut out. Now I wonder what book did they all read? I truthfully enjoyed this series so do not mistake my snark below.

The dialogue in the movie is flat, but much better than in the book. The screenwriter is owed some thanks here. The small bits of humor embedded in the movie (e.g. the negotiation scene) were cheeky and Ana is much more tolerable than in the book. During the first book, I was ready to sucker punch Ana’s “inner goddess” and rolled my eyes through the next 2 at every mention of her alter ego. No one will claim this to be a literary classic. Everybody loves a little smut. Truthfully, I would rather read 50 Shades over most biographies. #noshame

Books don’t always translate well to the big screen. Rumor has it the author retained creative control and caused a lot of headaches on the set. For those that were disappointed, re-read the book. It parallels the book sans the fluff and 400 lip bites. It’s obvious the author is protective of Christian Grey. Christian is mercurial, moody and disconnected. Did readers think he was going to morph into a renaissance man on-screen? It will serve the author well to take a backseat for the next 2 movies. At least Jamie Dornan’s ass mirrors the literary depiction.

“It wasn’t sexy enough.” Think back to your first sexual experiences — or don’t, because it might be too mortifying. Ana’s de-virginizing is about as sexy as it gets. Did you really want to sit through 2 hours of the red room of pain? If you answered yes, save yourself $10 and open your Internet browser. If I had to guess, the producers didn’t want the Showgirls type notoriety and tested the audience. Didn’t most of you start skipping through the sex scenes by book 3 anyway? It was overkill by that point.

Conservatives revolt. I have found the headlines hysterical. I don’t condone sexual assault, but as a spoiler, the book spends more time talking about Christian’s dominant fetishes than him acting them out. These beacons of morality need a nipple clamp and to realize you are preaching to the wrong demographic.

Fifty Shades of Green. This movie grossed more in one weekend than all of the best picture Oscar nominee combined proving critical acclaim unnecessary. Due to the release date, significant others were suckered into going, too. No man should complain about this movie if they enjoyed the lead up to its release. The studio is raising a glass of Bollinger to your libido.

As a piece of parting advice from me to you — go be sexy for your man (or woman).

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