2019 Halloween Horrorscopes

By: Kim Farrell, Lauren Ryder and Becky Vaughan
Capricorn: Watch out world! While everyone else is in costume, you’re revealing your true self for the first time. And boy, will those that crossed you be sorry! But before tackling your next ambitious goal, take a little time for reflection and plenty of self-care. You need to be at 110%. Those that wronged you in that boating accident are not going to exact vengeance on themselves!
Aquarius: “Expect the best, but prepare for the worst” is your mantra today. Tap into some of that limitless energy Mercury is sending your way and drop the half-assed “only move the tombstones” attitude! Rally the troops, replenish the bunker, find the virginiest sacrifices you can. Good news and the rise of your dark lord are just around the corner!
Pisces: Everything is coming up Pisces! At last, your calculating patience is about to pay off! Play it cool a little longer and that someone special you’ve been stalking is sure to present an opportunity to take things to the next level. Combining your natural feral instincts with careful planning will keep you mindful of each and every scream and splatter, making this thrilling experience truly rewarding!
Aries: Rest and relaxation are key, as are kevlar vests and katanas. You’ll need to be fully protected and quick on your feet as that rabies-like virus continues to spread through the city. As Mercury and Venus mash up, you may feel compelled to interact with strangers, turn down dark alleys or run through the woods in heels and a nightgown. Resisting these urges will increase your chance of survival, somewhat. You’ll find an unlikely ally in Taurus while it would behoove you to steer clear of Capricorn.
Taurus: You know what they say, “Klaatu barada nikto” and that’s truer for you today than ever! That’s why you need to take comfort where you can and for you, nothing is more comfortable than a home. That’s your only source of solace from an unforgiving and highly judgmental world. Fully bask in the peace before the family that lives here gets home so they meet you as your best, and most stabby, self.
Gemini: However dark life gets, know that you are not alone. Ever. Not for a second. The ghost of the twin you absorbed in utero is with you at all times and with Jupiter in retrograde, they’ve never been louder! That call to greatness you’ve been hearing…? It’s been coming from inside you the whole time! Listen closely to your spectral sibling for the inspiration and guidance you’ve been seeking. Treat them to a turn at the wheel if you seek greater adventure. Disclaimer: You are still legally culpable for any actions taken by your ghost twin.
Cancer: Everything is fine. Today will be perfectly lovely, until you fall asleep…
Leo: Weird vibes today. Pay heed to the small signs your significant other is giving because it is not your imagination. Something is totes amiss. Don’t just shrug off that delivery of herbs and animal skulls or assume that chanting is coming from the kids next door. And when your partner comes to you wearing a goat mask and brandishing a ceremonial knife, address it head on. You may find that open, honest communication in times of uncertainty will deepen your relationship.
Virgo: You’re a natural collaborator, so don’t go it alone! Multiply your effectiveness today by teaming up with someone else to create a singularly dynamic duo. Two heads are better than one, as are two sets of eyeballs and two sets of legs. Most importantly, remember what that lonely guy in the castle with the large lightning rod says, “Find a brain you can really sympathize with. The fresher the better.” When choosing graves to rob, use your people and sawing skills to assemble the perfect partner in multiple crimes. You’ll find parts of Aquarius especially compatible. And don’t forget, fire signs bad!
Libra: Venus may be your ruling planet, but today you rule! You’ve done an admirable job of putting your own interests aside in favor of the larger group’s desires. Who always polishes the coffins? Who’s the only one that remembers to pick up the capes from the dry cleaners? Who always disposes of the carcasses? Balance is important and it’s time to tip the scales towards yourself! Let the rest of the nest repay your constant generosity by bringing you puppies and toddlers for a change!
Scorpio: Creation comes from destruction and right now your creativity is off the charts! It’s as if you yourself are a piece of art in progress. You can almost feel you cells reconstructing themselves and are experiencing new thoughts and desires. As Mars rises so does your insatiable craving for human flesh. Give in and die a little! You may discover that even a small indulgence can be transformative.
Sagittarius: Romance is in the air! Get your nose out of the Necronomicon, put on some less stretchy clothes, swipe right, and for god’s sake, clean your bedroom already! It’s really out of control. Seriously. And don’t even try to blame the stars for that disaster! THEN once your home is no longer a complete embarrassment, hit up the nearest bar or dance hall. A very special Pisces may be closer than you think…
