New beginnings

To start … I find it very difficult to start! To begin this text is already very hard. And I confess that I’m only here writing this because I made a promise to a Guru, I think that if I had promised only to myself, I would not be fulfilling it, but for a Guru that is from India, I keep thinking in all those gods punishing me if I don’t do it. How silly, huh? But I need something more to start, it may be a belief, not in the punishment of the gods, this was a joke, but the belief that she said wanting my best and we made a agreement.

@lax_tirinhas

Agreements also weighs a lot for me, that’s the compromise. Almost a year ago I started a challenge with some colleagues to do a drawing per day and it would be 365, today I am in 347, we had 6 participants, today we are only 2. One sends to another the drawing that needs to be done, you need to do it using only a pen, then you can not erase it. I do not know how to draw, but it’s something I enjoyed doing as a child. I do not remember for sure why I started, but I know that I continue because I want to finish it . There are days that I don’t want to do it, there are days that I have fun, there are drawings that I do not like and I confess that I do without caring, there are others that I like very much and I do want to get it perfect. I make many mistakes and some I do it right, but the important thing is to continue. And for me the most difficult is not the drawing part, or doing it every day, but posting and everybody seeing. Like if I had millions of followers!

But back to the beginning, the Guru’s story came from a work that I started this year (2017) and that will end by Feb 2018. Because there is also this connection, you usually start something after you finish something else, or when you have room for something new, or when it ends for you. And it can be seen in big things like relationships, work, therapy. Oh! therapy! So hard to start again, just thinking makes me not wanting to leave the house, having to tell all my life again to a new person? Explain all my neurotic behavior and patterns of relationship? At that time I offer a prayer to the technology goddesses that please find a way to download our heads to the therapists. I understand that the more traditional will say that the act of speaking itself is already therapeutic and is part of the treatment, but I think it would save a lot of time!

There are also the small beginnings, like the dawn of each day, every day an opportunity to do different things, to be a better person and everything that the more positive person will say. You know when you receive those videos in the whatsapp family group with the sunrise on the beach with that music in the background and soft male voice talking about opportunities? You end the video full of hope, but what happens to me is that on the next day I wake up being the same person I was yesterday and I don’t remember the video anymore. So I find it difficult to do differently. I can only do it when it’s an action planned and usually takes a lot of work. And it’s funny that when I think about starting something, it’s never now, it’s always on Monday, next month, next year, second semester. If it is to look with a magnifying glass, every minute is a new minute and you can start something new, right?

@lax_tirinhas

The truth is that getting started is difficult, but I also think that it is the only way to change something, to do something different, to be different. I’m always measuring the effort to change something, but what I’ve begun to do is measure the effort to continue things the way they are. This effort is not common for us to measure, but I have learned that I have a very good tool to measure this effort, my body! I get sick, it’s amazing how he does not lie to me, and that’s what made me in 2017, change job, relationship, home, lifestyle, start a new course, make a drawing challenge! No, I do not think I got it right and I do not even advocate that everyone should do this, but I also believe that new beginnings are possible within the same relationship, the same work, the same house. I think of our cells, they die and they are born new, within the same body! The truth is that I realized that everything is in motion, everything starts again and that I can start as many times as necessary and when I feel fear, I tell myself: Go with the fear!

Oh! I did not change the therapy, because as I said, to much work!