An Open Letter from President Trump
My fellow Americans,
I am sick and tired of my words being twisted by the FAKE NEWS media (CNN, NBC, SNL, Neopets, Jack FM). So I have decided, from the White House (that’s what I call my toilet), I would write to my people some true true facts about me, with which you can better comprehend the complexities of my nice, tender soul.
I have never once given a concession speech, except for all the advertisements I do for sodas, popcorn, and candies. Coca Cola is the drink of kings — drink Coke.
Anyway, I promise as your el presidente, I will NEVER concess to any countries.
Unlike Barack HUSSEIN Obama, I will not lay down and take it doggy style from China, Canada, Norway. I will take it doggy style from Russia. I will not cyber with any hackers.
In case of issues of national security, I have no qualms about calling on my good friend Tony Stark A.K.A. Iron Man to help. I have met Tony Stark and his wife Pepper Potts and they are very nice good people with good ideas who totally exist in real life.
I said we should kill terrorists’ whole families, and I wasn’t kidding. I am not a kidder, I’m a winner. I also never apologize. I am not sorry about my Yemen Raid that killed an eight year old girl, but I am sorry that she won’t get to grow up to be a teenage girl who I can walk in on while she’s changing before a beauty pageant.
The civilians and Navy Seal killed in my Yemen raid had blood coming out of their wherevers and it grossed me out so can we please stop talking about it now? Bing bing bing —
We need LAW AND ORDER, we need SVU, CSI, we need BONES. We will have a Law and Order police force.
We don’t need the NSA. We are already the best in space, we got there first, we stayed there, we have a beautiful space colony. The greatest.
Besides, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin are cowards. I prefer astronauts who didn’t return to Earth. If I went to space, I would stay there and block out the sun.
So we don’t need anymore funding going to the NSA. Wait — I mean NASA. The NSA we are keeping. It is very very huge and important that I have full access to the cast of Modern Family’s nudes. Ditch NASA, keep the NSA.
I think Stop and Frisk is a great idea, it was very effective. My enemy Mike Bloomberg thinks he gets all the stop and frisk? I have already initiated Stop and Frisk in the Mar-a-Lago and it has yielded great results of snatches I have grabbed and candy I have snatched, from the pockets of the women I grope.
We’ll build a huge wall like the emotional wall my dad put up between me and him — a great powerful wall like the wall between me and my intelligence briefings. I love hispanics!
I am not afraid of nukes. America needs to cozy up to nukes like they were cuddly white supremacists.
We have to have the best nukes. I have great nukes. I nuke all my food — especially my Hungry Man dinners. Because I am a hungry, hungry man.
Another important issue- I don’t know why people say my hands are tiny — I grab a lot of tiny pussies with my big big hands.
I am a strong leader and am making America Great Again. Where men can be men and women can stay inside when they have blood coming out of their unplugged wherevers. I have a room in the Mar-a-Lago for when Melania is having her (U KNO WHAT) and it’s called a shed in the yard.
Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job…haunting me at the foot of my bed in the Lincoln bedroom each night. Big impact, just tremendous. He’s been telling me to change my ways and that I’ll be visited by three spirits, or was it three plagues? All I know is his visits have put me right to sleep — I’ve been sleeping like a baby. I sleep all night and don’t have to be waken up until after my briefings.
You may have heard me say in an interview that Trump men don’t change diapers. That’s right, Trump maids clean my diaper. I’ve never changed my son’s diapers and that’s why my sons are so gross. That’s how I got the idea for my taco bowl, I just looked in my own diaper.
The lying media keeps comparing my first weeks as King — as president — to Barack Obama, as if you can compare me with an illegitimate Kenyan president. His skin is black, mine is orange. One of us would be allowed in Trump apartments, one of us wouldn’t. No comparison. I don’t need Obama’s approval ratings, mine are so high they are off the charts (the charts that are fake anyway!!11!1!). I don’t need Michelle, I don’t need Sasha, I don’t need Malia, I’ve got Melania, Ivanka, and Ivankatrumpalot.
I don’t need Bo or Sunny or Cher, I’ve got my pet, Mike Pence. I don’t even NEED the White House, I have the White House 2 — Winter White House, Return of the White House: The Mar-a-Lago. Mar-a-Lago is also the skin disease that Michael Jackson had. Because I am so great, I named my resort home after Michael Jackson’s disease. He was one of my best friends, in alternative fact, he would’ve played at my inauguration if he were alive. R.I.P. Jacko.
He had good ideas. He had a monkey, I have a monkey, he’s called Paul Ryan. Paul Ryan likes bananas.
Cowardly Bruce Springsteen was too afraid of America’s greatness and turned down performing at my inaugurash. People call him the boss but that’s a lie since I am the boss. I am the boss! I hosted The Apprentice (back when it was GOOD)! I say “You’re fired!”. I was “Born to Run” for PRESIDENT! I was “Born in the USA” — UNLIKE Barack Hussein Obama! Just another example of lying fake rigged music.
I will repeal Obamacare. We don’t need it. Look at me, I am in perfect health. I have never been to the doctor. I am a paragon of animals. I am not a drinker. I have never drinken anything that wasn’t in a large big gulp cup, purposefully to spite my nemesis Mike Bloomberg. I have never done drugs. I have never not done cocaine.
I have the best doctor, Dr. Bornstein. Gave me a clean bill of health. Crooked Hillary doesn’t even have a clean Bill! Sad!
I got the idea to have this doctor after I read my first and last book I’ve ever read, The Bornstein Bears. Dr. Bornstein told me I am in tremendous health.
He said I have many Melanianomas from my tanning which indicate a wealth of just beautiful beauty marks. He said my heart is bigly. I don’t know what that means but I assume it is tremendous.
I am a very very virile young man. My sperms are gold, they’re just like Superman’s sperms, they’re enormous, they’re powerful.
If I banged Lois ‘Fake News” Lane by her Fake News pussy then she would’ve died.
Cuz of my sweet sperms.
I will nominate Dr. Bornstein as the Secretary of Phrenology. Also because he is my best phren.
People LOVE my choice for the secretary of the interior, and why wouldn’t they? I always get into the interior of my secretaries!
I don’t see what the big deal is about my choices for secretary of education, secretary of defense, secretary of energy — they don’t need to be qualified to be a secretary — all they’re doing is typing!
I have considered Sarah Palin but she’s just too smart. She’s sort of a sexy librarian type. I would do Sarah Palin if she took her glasses off, lost the pounds and got in a time machine.
My daughter Ivanka will make a great first lady because she’s the first lady who has hugged me voluntarily.
Ivanka is always pushing me to do good things. In alternative fact, I got the idea for the birther movement when my daughter Ivanka developed and I wanted to check the birth certificate to see if I was her biological father.
In shortly, I will move on America like a bitch.
And to Kermit the Frog, Pinocchio, Yoda, and Gizmo the Mogwai, I want to say, NO PUPPET, NO PUPPET, YOU’RE THE PUPPET!
Donald Jammin’thapuss Trump