The Difficulties Of Submission

Being in a female led relationship can be difficult for many reasons.

It is a major adjustment for those of us who have grown up with a certain masculine ideal of what men should be, who have certain expectations of what manly duties we must fulfill, who have been taught and believed that some things are taboo or unnatural or beneath us.

We have to confront our traditions, our mental habits, our culture, our family expectations, and maybe our religion too. Some of us are not well equipped for this: we have no training, no experience, no clear way forward, and are fighting against everything we have been taught and exposed to.

I’ve been thinking about why I failed to stay and succeed in a female led relationship. The relationship may have had outside challenges that made it more difficult than it might have been under other circumstances, but if I take some responsibility and look at all the problems that involved me, I can see the following areas in which I had issues -

What I Failed — To See / To Do

• I wasn’t mature enough — An immature person focuses on brief moments of discomfort that might make him panic. He doesn’t know from experience and wisdom that all his fears won’t come true, and that some of what he hopes for often can and does happen too.
• I wasn’t strong enough — I was weakened by self-doubt, weakened by my own internal conflicts, by doubting someone who had shown I could trust in the most important areas — and then I should have built up from there.
• I wasn’t courageous enough — I should have worked through my fears, confronted them or went ahead despite them. I shrank back and figuratively curled up into a ball, pulled the covers over my head, and tried to avoid facing myself.
• I couldn’t see far enough ahead — I didn’t have the experience or foresight to realize that adapting — even to what you want — can be a process and can be worth it.
• I made too many excuses —For myself, for others who didn’t have my best interests who interfered. I didn’t make allowances and give understanding to the person I should have, I made many excuses for my own failings and failing to face them.
• I feared myself — I didn’t feel capable. I was outside of my comfort zone. I worried about where wanting what I wanted might lead. I would have ran from my shadow if I could have, and would have if it ever showed anything of how I felt inside.
• I feared others — I worried about what they might think about me. I trusted the opinions of those who really just wanted an image of me that they had designed, but the one who truly cared would have supported what brought me happiness and fulfillment.

These are my poor excuses. I like to think that with (giving myself) more time, more patience, and more understanding I would have overcome all of them, but it is also possible — in the state I was then in — I would have made more excuses to avoid facing difficult things and become more entrenched.

Why did I do all of this? How did I undermine something that I think could have been so good?

How I Lost What I Had (Or Could Have Had)

• I had mental and emotional habits that discouraged, dissuaded or diverted me.
• I had a history of negative experiences that gave me unhealthy expectations.
• I carried misplaced guilt with me that I didn’t know how to deal healthily with.
• I was looking for approval from the wrong people.
• I had a wrong or incomplete idea of what and who I should be.
• I couldn’t foresee the challenges I might face by leaving (and didn’t see clearly enough the benefits of staying).
• I found it harder to trust what I might want (rather than what others thought I should want).
• I worried that I was weak when I gave in to my emotions, but sometimes those were the feelings I needed to give into.
• I based some of my decisions on others philosophies, theologies, theories fairy tales, and expectations.

By the time I could see all of this and might have had enough of a sense of self honesty and strength it was already over, then I was otherwise committed and had other obligations to live up to.

I hope others can learn from my mistakes.

What I’ve Learnt — What Other’s May Learn From

• It’s okay for a man to be submissive and for a woman to be dominant (in some or even all areas).
• It’s okay for a man to do housework, to cook, to earn less or not do paid work (or to earn more and trust another to make financial decisions).
• It’s okay to lead or manage at work and not in the home (at least not in the same way). The man doesn’t have to lead in everything.
• It’s okay to not feel that you have to be stronger, better, smarter than a woman (and okay to recognize a woman’s wisdom and experience can be greater).
• To serve is still strong, in some areas in can even require more strength.
• To find pleasure in giving another pleasure is not something to be ashamed of.
• Being submissive is not the same as being abused (but of course everyone has a right to safety etc.).
• If you find submitting more fulfilling that’s not bad and selfish.
• Intimacy comes in different forms, and it’s okay if you find it in ways that puts the focus on someone else.
• Learning you are wrong, being corrected and accepting correction does not mean you are losing self-dignity.

What I’d Do Differently

I’m not saying I deserve forgiveness or that there ever could be an avenue back to where I was before … but, If I had the chance again:

• I’d have a better support group — those who accept this part of me.
• I’d be more open when I had problems (if I still had them) and more determined to overcome them.
• I’d maintain a better view of where I was headed and focus on what I wanted.
• I’d develop other aspects of my relationship more and not segment myself.
• I’d question and challenge any false theories I might operate under that came from old traditions and habits.
• I’d value what I have, the chance to have what I want, and would fight hard to keep what I need and love.