Where are your holes?
“And the child brings again a fresh quality to life. Every child is primitive, a barbarian; now the mother has to civilize. Every child is a barbarian, remember; he is animal, wild. And the mother has to give him culture, has to teach him the ways of life, the ways of man. It is a great work. You have to remember that — that your work has not finished, it has started. Take it joyously!” — Osho
I started thinking about intentions. It seems we can boil our multitude of motivations down to a few key intentions. The deeper I go, the more I recognize my desire to help other people. Not because I think I have some kind of special authority or knowledge, but because I do not. My struggle is precisely the point. My struggle exists so that I can write my way through it. By writing my way through it, I can help other people.
Maybe. If I can get out of my own way.
The more we get out of our way, the more people we teach. We each of us have our own methods of teaching, our own things we feel called to teach, and practice, so that others will learn by example. A lawyer is under oath to practice the law so that she may lead her clients to follow the law. An accountant helps people to manage their money. A salesman educates his customers about the value of his product. A barista in a coffee shop is there to make sure you enjoy your coffee, and your morning too.
The lessons can be both subtle and glaring. They come through only when the teacher believes in the importance of what she’s teaching.
I’ve grown tired of the cliche that motherhood is hard. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe it. Hard is a ten mile run or a job interview or a bad date.
I like Osho’s description better. It is great work.
Motherhood runs a long, winding gamut. I can only speak from my position on it. So let’s be clear on who I am: I am a full-time mother, that’s 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I have a growing career, but not a paying job. My husband, the money-maker, often travels and I am left to parent alone. I have two children at home all day but for the 9 hours per week of preschool for the five year-old. On some occasions, I have a third glorious child. I always have several bodies to care for–to clothe, feed, bathe and love–though my husband eagerly shares in this work when he is home.
I am endlessly vying for time to write sentences, fragments of sentences, poems, blog posts, essays, short stories and entire novels.
Even on the days that I do almost everything right, I still often feel that something is missing. Something I don’t notice until I get to the end of the night and my children are asleep (or not) and it’s not there. In its place is a hole. I think this is why so many binge eaters tend to consume their calories at night. They try to fill the voids with food. It is all we want–to fill the holes and become whole.
When I run into troubles with my family, I start looking for the triggers. Some of them are easy to find, but many are not. Maybe she’s not getting enough social stimulation or he’s coping with the changes. Maybe she’s teething or she’s not eating enough whole foods. Maybe he’s under a lot of pressure or she feels unseen.
Today my girls and I exercised and we went on adventures and we connected with other parents and kids. Today we cooked and cleaned and walked and read books and played.
Today I disciplined. Today I tried again to teach my little animals the ways of the world–the importance of bathing after you blow out of a diaper and apologizing when you cave to the compulsion of stealing.
Today I spoke to strangers. Today I corresponded with friends. Today I posted lines from a poem to Instagram in an effort to connect with other poetry lovers.
But when I got to the end of the day, I felt a deep well of sadness rise in me. Beyond my duties as a mother, I struggled to see my worth as a human.
That’s when I started thinking about intentions, and how I can help other people. Which brought me here. Back to my words.
Where are your holes and how can you fill them?
Since I do not have a paying job, my holes often exist in my net worth, in my isolation, in my writing career. Writing novels is a huge risk. There are no guarantees. Many artists, particularly women artists, have to work extra hard to be seen.
Part of filling my holes is sharing and connecting with my blog readers.
Part of filling my holes is writing as much as humanly possible.
Part of filling my holes is reading as much as humanly possible.
Where are your holes and how can you fill them?
This post originally appeared here. To read more of my thoughts on motherhood, mindfulness and the creative life, please follow my blog or subscribe via feedburner.
