Utterly exhausted but not depressed. So what do you do with that?
My baby’s wake time is consistently anywhere between 5 and 5:30 every morning. If he’s teething or not well its often closer to 4:30am. I on the otherhand, was never, despite how much I aspired to be- a morning person. No matter if I had slept well it just wasn’t my thing. My most peaceful hours of sleep were always the earliest hours of the morning. So let’s just say my little one and i might both be scorpios and share a true love of life, but he got the early morning worm business from his dad.
So this clash in schedules has been a little interesting for me. On top of that I stopped sleeping in between feed times in the night. Yep - postnantal insomnia took residence and as you can imagine, the combination has been a shocker. Being a high energy mum when I am awake - jumping around to wiggles songs, pushing a bike up and down the drive way x12 times and being super passionate about attending the beautiful beach of Noosa whenever the sunshine is out- probably doesn’t help with overall energy levels… As my acupuncturist says, I’m very yang and not a lot of yin! In western language - slow moving, tea drinking behaviour doesn’t come naturally to me. I want to play with my baby and If I’m with him I’m there (mentally and physically) 100%.
So where is this all leading to? No energy land. The question begged to be answered - Why at five months postnatally (when everyone said I should start to be feeling more restored) was I starting to feel really, really tired..and by 8 months I was so much worse. Even with some hired help and a cleaner and a baby I was so overjoyed to be mothering, I felt nothing short of panic at the thought of my energy levels being able to meet the daily requirement of being a mum of a super healthy, therefore, super energetic, bub.
As Dr Libby Weaver says, "healthy is energy". Well my baby was in exceptional health - me, not so much.
However, as tired (and often grumpy) as I was, I didn't and still don't feel depressed. I still found my intense scorpian joy for life and all its beautiful places and my beauitful baby. I still found so much joy and laughter in my wonderful and vulnerable friends, with a big belly laugh always possible. I was just next level tired. My one big wish was for replinished energy and delivered by the truck load!
During this journey I’ve had many mums and health professionals say - " it’s just what it’s like to be a mum" or, "maybe you’re just doing too much" or "it just is what it is".
But I had a vision. A vision of a healthy, vibrant mum on the beach with her baby. A vision of having another child and being stoked, not panicked at the thought of the energy that would require. A vision of providing my baby with a sibling and growing our home into the one that was excessively loud and happy. A shared vision with my husband of taking our little people into nature's wildnerness every chance we could get - climbing mountains and surfing until we sundown. Well, not quite sundown -im terrified of sharks. But I think you get the point. The vision and the reality had a football field between the two. And I don't play footy.
So I didn't accept that this was normal. I didn't take it as is. And I decided to stay true to the vision of being a healthy mum. Once making this decision I have started to find the answers to how. Firstly I found a category in which I felt was me. Postnantal depletion. Bloody love this label. It's basically for those who don't feel depressed but are abnormally exhausted. Yay! There's others like me! And yay, its totally fixable. Yay! I don't have to change my bright happy future to be one of 'just get through' mumhood. The downside - there was and still isn't a 'quick' fix, so the journey continues.
So if these words have rung a bell with you please don't feel like it just has to be.
I started to find my answers by seeking out a 'functional doctor'. I would describe them as a next level GP. Instead of just looking for treatable symptoms (of which they couldn't find any in the routine blood test) they look for underlying causes. A good one will know the term 'postnatal depletion' and know which bloods to order. Functional doctors are only something I found when struggling to get pregnant and we honestly tribute my successful pregnancy to this type of modern medicine. An excellent GP will do the same. With postnatal depletion it can be as simple as an iron definiciency, as serious as a thyroid or autoimmune disorder triggered by pregnancy and/or birth or a nutrition issue easily rectified with an excellent suppliments such as zinc and bioavailable magnesium or change in diet. Or (fingers crossed not), you may have something more serious going on and need to start getting a move on it before you're in real trouble. I mean this in an empowering way, we can all and do get sick - but if we can find out early we can have some steering control. I don't know about you but I want some steering control.
So I'm not fixed. However I found out my depletion was not normal. My thyroid was out so I had hypothyroidism. If I had listened to the 'its normal, just smile and get on with it' remarks from well meaning people I most likely would have ended up with an autoimmune disease - since I already had the markers of hashimotos disease. Meaning - this condition was knocking on my door and would have made it self at home if I didnt go about making changes ie. taking thyroid medication daily. Serious stuff!!
So listen to your body. If you don’t tick the postnatal depression box but are still struggling - there is another box you may tick and therefore get help and its called the postnatal depletion box. It’s a thing! I promise you.
I wanted to share this because like my first article said, I just want so badly for women to feel heard and acknowledged on this journey. Not to feel like it’s normal when they feel like it’s not. And most importantly - to have some faith. Our bodies can feel like they are failing us but in good time and with support - they are incredible in their ability to self-heal.
Sending much support 🙏
The vulnerable mother.
