Good Citizen, Send Your Information to Your Friendly Government Forthwith Because Freedom
1. The American Voter Commission for Fair American Voting By Real Americans You Know What We Mean wishes you to send the following information, good citizen. Your party registration. Last four of your social security number. Rating of Mr. Trump from 9–10 on the sexy scale. If you answered 9, please indicate which gulag in Alabama or Alabama you would enjoy reporting to for our Make “Education” Great Again (MEGA) initiative. Please refrain from wearing any metal.
2. The American Super-Hetero Commission for Just Don’t Wear That to Dinner Again, Kevin, What Is Grandma Going to Think wishes you to send the following information, normal citizen. Your party registration. Your gender. Who your last date was with. How many Republican Representatives you have met in a toilet? Who were these Reps? Are you sure they weren’t Democrats? Where was the toilet located? Which stall? Asking for a friend. We mean the Commission.
3. The American Commission on Last Names That Don’t Sound Right wishes you to send the following information, True American ™ citizen. Your party registration. The color of your skin on a scale of Robe White to Old-Tyme Whitewash. If your surname ends in — stein; — gold; — al-anything; — a hyphenate like some sort of lesbian feminist; — linton; or — ez, don’t worry about your voter registration anymore. It’s totes taken care of. Also, in America, we vote on Thrurisday.
4. The American Commission on Women and Ew, Have You Seen What Comes Out of Their Bodies wishes you to send the following information, female. (Read this next part slowly so you don’t get confused in your ovule box.) Your party affiliation. Your dress size. Your boob size. Don’t guess, it’s bad for democracy. Get out a measuring tape, you lazy bitch. Take a photo of yourself measuring, so we know you really did it. You know how you lie. Send the photo to Bald Eagle 1, c/o 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C.
5. The American Commission on Blasting UnAmericanness in the Fuckin Face wishes you to send the following information, noble gun owner. Your party affiliation. Your gun size. Your other gun size. If you don’t have more than one gun, why do you hate Donald Trump? How do you expect us to take back America from, um, whoever had it last — the Black guy — without you having a gun for each hand? Do you know how cool that looks, to pose for Facebook with a gun in each hand? Nobody will make fun of you for getting thrown out of the Waffle House anymore if you have that photo.
6. The American Commission for Promoting Blondes as Spokesmodels wishes you to send the following information, Blondebot. Your party affiliation. Do you know what a Press Secretary is? How many truthy truths can you say before the leg cam passes? Do you possess a conscience like we hear humans have? Did the man who made you program you to find orange attractive? And can you stay past six tonight, sweetheart? See also: We really need that photo from point 4.
7. The American Commission on Boy, Things Sure Were Easier Back in My Day wishes you to send the following information, person who gets pulled over a lot. Are you Black?
8. The American Commission on the Denial of All the Words You Just Read wishes you to send the following information, confused loser. Your party affiliation. Your Twitter handle. Your confused. (That’s American now for “you’re.”) We never asked you for this information. That was an entire news cycle ago. Have you seen the shit we’ve pulled since then? Why are you so delusional? We never asked you anything for anything but loyalty. Fake news is so confusing these days. Isn’t it.
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