A Free Morning

I had a happy, productive week
In theory and practice.

I worked and auditioned for more work.
I had some very valuable work given to me in an email from my agent.
I pushed myself,
Met people who enlightened and inspired and schooled me
In the best way.

The week ends.
I expect to wake up just grateful for a morning with nowhere to be
But that’s never how things end up.
A free morning is a nuisance.
A screaming toddler
Expecting so much from you,
Unsure how you’ll go about it,
But not as invested in that part of the narrative.
Just do EVERYTHING to be happy.
Do ALL the things for success.
Shouldn’t you know by now how this works?

Paralyzed in the grip of my own expectations
Exhausted just from
Keeping my chin level,
From berating myself for not knowing more languages/instruments/skills/relevant facts,
I turn on the Roku
Do 8 pushups
Check my texts
Eat leftovers.

Anything to block out
The buzzers, the doorknockers, the fingerpointers
The reminders of how much more I must do
To be worth something.

Tonight I will make a schedule 
With my heart.
No room for option anxiety.
Just time blocked out for art
And love.
No room for worthiness dilemmas
No time for fear. A truly free morning.

Lesson learned.