How to start a relationship?

Luisa Hilburn
Jul 23 · 6 min read

You have just met someone, and the next appointment is coming. When one does not know oneself, the beginnings can sometimes be a little difficult. To put the odds on your side and make sure to get off to a good start, follow the advice of the clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Elisabeth Couzon.

Stay focused on yourself

Knowing what you want and what you do not want is imperative to start a relationship. Elisabeth Couzon, psychologist advises asking the following questions: “What is important for me? What do I really want now, what do I need? “

We know that the “ideal” man does not exist (the woman either!), Pay attention to our imagination, to the fantasies that we can make of a relationship: if we expect too much he is going to be afraid and run away. You have to go slowly and keep your feet on the ground. To have too many expectations inevitably generates too many requests, which a man can not answer.

For the specialist, “to seek the great love” is already harmful to the relationship because we must not expect everything from the other. We must first be clear with ourselves, know what you really want without setting the bar too high, before starting a new relationship.

Pay attention to what is happening

The words used to count just as much as the way of speaking. Stay tuned to his body, sensations that pass. You have to listen to yourself and to others. Be careful, as the psychologist warns, do not listen only to the other, want to “too much pleasure” to the other fact that we can forget, and it is not good for following the relationship.

Take your time is imperative, get to know each other. We often want to hear from the other’s mouth that “yes, we are a couple”, but men do not generally like to put words on it. On the other hand, as the psychologist explains, they show it, and you just have to open your eyes to know whether or not you are important to him: he gives you regular news, on Saturday evening he spends the evening with you and not with anyone else, he drops a football game to spend time with you … Every man is different and sends his own signals, so keep your eyes peeled!

Confidence is gradually taking hold, and there are some reassuring signs that he answers your messages, questions you about your week, if you have not seen each other in a few days, if he shows you interest and questions you about who you are, and if he begins to tell you more intimate things about him … It is with this confidence that you will return little by little in the intimacy of the other, but it is not done not from the first appointments, a little patience!

Find the right distance

A relationship is based on a good balance: leave space for desire. If there is too much desire, there will be too much fusion and the man can feel overwhelmed and can let go.

It is important to create a miss, not to send 10 messages in the day (even if you are excited to have met this person, take on you!).

Let the relationship settle down little by little, and enjoy the enchantment of the meeting without stifling the other.

Play the game of seduction: if you want to go too fast and want everything right away, the man, under pressure, may be able to say no and leave, and it’s really not what you want, not true? “The faster you go, the sooner you’ll leave: if you go too fast early in the relationship, it may not last …” says the specialist.

Be attentive to the needs of others, some people do not need to see each other very often, but that does not mean that the person does not want you. For your part, you may need to see the person on a daily basis (be careful not to choke him), then you have to apprehend the other, and satisfy both sides, find a happy medium.

Elisabeth Couzon’s advice is to “stay in symmetry”. That is to say that if the other gives a phone call after 3 days, wait 3 days to make the next phone call. Leave time between each text. In the same way, when you talk, follow the movement, synchronize the conversation really helps to communicate better. We must not go faster than music and establish a “relational symmetry”. Let yourself be guided and adapt to the person you have in front of you …

Take the time to discover

Wait to talk about love, there are a lot of topics to discuss before: what we are, our values, our way of life, our projects, our desires … Do not forget to make the other talk too (even if you are very talkative!), to discover what are the points that you have in common.

If differences appear, do not panic, they can even be an enrichment, provided they are identified and agreed, so as not to create frustration thereafter.

We can never say it enough, the key to a healthy relationship is communication!

Do you speak preferably face to face: men (unlike many of us) are not followers of the phone for hours. Seeing allows you to discover the other in more depth, you can learn a lot about the other, especially by observing his gestures …

In the early days, it is best to see each other to learn more about each other. But to introduce his friends and meet his family is also interesting to discover the other in his environment. Here too, you have to know how to play “relationship symmetry” by avoiding presenting him with all his friends if he has not yet introduced you to one person. In this case, wait a bit to introduce the others …

If during the first moments together, small quarrels appear, nothing serious, it does not mean that the relationship will stop. You just have to talk about it, without making a drama. You do not know each other, you learn each day a little more about the other, and sometimes disagreements can appear: you can misinterpret a word, and men do not always perceive things in the same way as us. In this case, it is imperative to clarify misunderstandings, do not wait. Be careful to do it lightly, expressing your feelings by using the “I” rather than the “you”: “I felt hurt when you said such thing …”.

For the psychologist, “Making a relationship last is based in particular on the ability to clarify the different awkwardnesses”.

And the ex, we talk about it?

There are no rules, but it is not worth saying too much, at the risk of breaking the charm of the meeting, we must stay in seduction.

“Women may tend to be very curious, and question the man about his last relationship, but he certainly does not want to pass an interrogation. And you, you would regret later: too much to know can make you think … “, says Elisabeth Couzon.

As far as you are concerned, you must have mourned your previous relationship. If this is not the case, you could live the new relationship in reaction or in compensation of the previous one. You may express anger or lack of investment because you have not “finished” the past relationship.

It is then necessary to do work on oneself upstream, and to make a point: “What did I learn? What are the wounds? Where I am? Is there a sense of abandonment, rejection, humiliation, treason to manage? If so, work on it … for more relationship tips visit:

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