Bleak Traces

Even if nothing happens I’ll become happy. Eventually. I’m still not sure how long it will take. I will definitely not stop exploring though. I have realized more about myself than I ever have. It takes 20 minutes or so to start. Then I lie down and I close my eyes, and I see myself. I see a girl. Clutching a dusty teddy bear forlornly holding. Her tender wishes flow from her eyes in vivid colors and dance to the directions of the bear. They pulse and change colors. Some evolve step by step into dim blue lines. Others shift to empty darkness. Some fade into bleak traces, some fade into vacuum. I can hear her despondence letting go, the small animal slipping inch by inch. Inch by smaller inch. She knows. She lives. She looks me in the eye, scared. Terrified. She does not know what to hold onto now. So I tell her, “you.” Because that is all that counts. I think. I think I did.
Even if nothing happens I’ll be more. There is no going back once you open your mind. You find you miss the flow. I will have gained whether in sensation or understanding. Either one. Pain is a lesson. Happiness a reward. You choose which you live for. I will smile and lie down with dead wishes on my tongue, but that’s perfectly fine. I understand the weight of individual decisions. I have learned the beauty of not being in control. Of letting it take over. Whatever it is. Because what world would this be if we knew all that would happen?
If nothing happens, I’ll be content.

*original*

Even if nothing happens. I’ll be happy. I have realized more about myself than I ever have. I lie down and I close my eyes, and I see myself. I see a girl clutching a dusty teddy bear forlornly holding on with tender wishes. I can see her slowly letting go, the small animal slipping inch by inch. She is looking at me in the eye, scared. Terrified. She does not know what to hold onto now. So I tell her, “you.” Because that is all that counts.
Even if nothing happens. I’ll be more. I will have gained whether in sensation or understanding. Pain is a lesson. Happiness a reward. I will smile and lie down with dead wishes on my tongue, but that’s perfectly fine. I understand the weight of individual decisions. I have learned the power in not being able to control others. Because what world would this be if we knew all that would happen?
If nothing happens, I’ll be content. Because the lack of something does not equal the lack of something else.

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