As I was sitting there, in the kitchen, staring at everything and nothing at the same time, I found myself lost. I didn’t know what to do. How to move on. How to keep on living while someone I had loved so much, was no more.
Dead. Just like that.
At some point, it could’ve been minutes or hours after I arrived home. My friend placed a glass of water next to me. “Hey” she said.
I barely heard, but it was enough for me to realize I wasn’t alone anymore. I turned and looked at the glass first, then at her.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, “I know you don’t believe it, but she’s with God.”
I stared at her, trying to make sense of her words. My first instinct was to throw the glass at her. Then it passed. My next instinct was to try to understand what she said, I came out empty handed. So I went with my third instinct.
“What does that mean? ‘She’s in heaven’, with angels and clouds?”, I asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t think we can even imagine it.”
“But you actually believe it?”
She said nothing. Her face looked down, as if embarassed. She paused for a moment, looked back at me, and then, she nodded.
“Why do you think she’s there?”, I asked.
“In heaven, you mean?”
“Well, she was a good person, wasn’t her?”
I paused. I looked down, and became centered on my thoughts. She was good, wasn’t she? She wasn’t perfect. She got angry sometimes and, granted, she told some lies or took something that didn’t belong to her, but never on purpose. Always to help others.
I don’t know how much time passed, but I finally answered, “She…she did bad things, but she did them because… She just wanted to be good. She was lost, just like we all are sometimes.”
“Well, then she’s in heaven.”
“I can’t believe that.”
“God is good, right? I don’t see any good here. Someone had a gun, didn’t even mean to fire it. It’s all just one stupid accident. What does it even mean? Was God busy? Was he distracted?”
“What does it mean if there is no God? Why is that any better?”
“It’s not better. It’s just truer. It’s just not wishful thinking.”
“Well, maybe always believing the bad is also wishful thinking.”