What it takes.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Seed, I am almost 25 years old and I have been feeling mentally and physically weak for some time now. My life is genuinely interesting and diverse; every day has something new to offer and I like my job.
However, it used to be different, everything was new, more exciting and the spirit with people around me was more beautiful. Back then, we had just received a new uniform, I was particularly proud of that. I can’t say if it’s today’s routine that changed my enthusiasm. Something is different. Once upon a time I used to feel needed. Today, I sometimes feel disinterest and dislike. I don’t even know why. I am well-groomed, clean and still fit in my uniform. Well, I’m a bit old, but aren’t we all?
Everything started, as far as I remember, at the beginning of last summer. I was really in good spirits. I was looking forward to the longer and brighter days, the happier people and my changed shift schedule. But somehow the feeling creeped into me what the sense of this was all about. There was a void inside of me, as the void between larger structures of the universe. Just blank. I always caught myself wondering why I was still here at all. Was I the only one or was it the same for the others?
Early in the morning or late in the afternoon, whenever my shift started, I was still full of energy, but after a few hours in action it was blown away. I noticed how many things distracted me, annoyed me and were just not right. A feeling I’ve never had before. Others bumped into me, and not in a pleasant way; my services were used briefly. That is actually normal. Everybody has his preferences. These days, I took it more and more personal and felt offended. My energy was weak. Was I really alone in this situation? Or am I exaggerating?
On days off, I used to be much more active, I could finally catch some breath. Let my soul dangle and just live into the day, and catch every single light ray of warm summer days. Well, I’ve never flown before or travelled great, but I didn’t need that either, as I already had smaller business trips in my job. I also notice how the motivation itself didn’t return. I don’t use my free time actively anymore; I just linger around. I don’t even know why. What is wrong with me?
I have already asked myself whether it is perhaps the job that gnaws at me after all. Recently I’ve also been thinking about changing my workplace, but I don’t know if that would help anyway. It’s not easy to do that in my industry, more like a lifelong commitment. Talking to others about these issues is unimaginable, especially if it’s just the bad feeling in yourself, that’s a taboo. I would show weakness there, even if I let myself down. That could cost me my job. Yet I am strong, stronger than many others who travel with me day in, day out. Unfortunately that does not help me here. Actually nothing helps any more.
The best thing is, I swallow it, convince myself that I can do it, that I only have to be strong and continue until I am replaced. It’s been that way for a lot of others before me. Why should I deserve better?
Is it possible I haven’t told you where I work yet?. I am a bus seat.
