Brexit Ruptures Spacetime Continuum
The Brexit woes of an increasingly inaccurately named United Kingdom were solved yesterday by the spontaneous creation of a parallel universe. The new dimension flashed into being at 12:00 pm, Greenwich Mean Time, with the appearance of glowing portals throughout the country. Her Majesty’s Government turned to its Secretary of State for Science, only to find that such a post still did not exist in the Cabinet, despite several checks of the date revealing it was in fact 2016.
The government turned instead to the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, which is one of the 23 Cabinet positions apparently considered core to ruling the country, on the grounds that as 4.3% of the organisation they must be doing something critical to a first world nation’s ruling body. The Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster suggested charging rent on land in the parallel dimension, but only if it was in the parallel Duchy of Lancaster. He was thanked for his time and foreheads were rubbed.
Leading multi-dimensional physicist Dr Braney was able to clarify the situation. “The new dimension can’t be explained under the Standard Model,” she said, “But that’s because the Standard Model is the result of the finest data gathering and intellectual analysis ever undertaken by humanity. Since the Brexit vote was the exact opposite I theorise it partially cancelled the Standard Model around the UK, allowing this impossible duplication of space.” Unfortunately Dr Braney’s great-grandmother on her father’s mother’s side was born in Spain and so the Conservative party was completely incapable of hearing her.
The pound either doubled or halved in value depending on which newspapers you like, and despite being totally unclear this this was always mentioned before if not entirely instead of any considerations of human life or environmental impact. A top-level meeting between the duplicated Cabinets quickly came to a solution: one UK would remain in the EU, and the other would Hard Brexit. With approximately half of each country voting either way it would be possible to create two completely unanimous kingdoms.
The parallel Pro-EU population arrived through the portals overnight, revitalising and regenerating vast swathes of the countryside abandoned by racists. Incidents of hate crimes have dropped sharply. Astrophysicists have been seconded to economic departments to analyse the recovery of the pound. Sunderland stopped being shit. New business and cultural hubs have emerged all over a country now populated by people focused on improving their lives instead of gazing at blue passports through rose-colored glasses creating a dark vision of nationalism.
The Leave voters likewise escaped our EUniverse to enjoy Brexit Britain, where they looked forward to creating a stronger Britain with others sharing their exact views, as there could be nobody less foreign than your own exact duplicate down to the subatomic level. So they were surprised to find themselves immediately pilloried in the press, blamed for the collapse of the increasingly isolated country’s economy and the decimation of underfunded public services, and painted as freeloading universe-tourist scum.