Flying With Shrieking Children? Change My Adult Diaper Too
by Monad Moanin
It may seem unfair to target small children, but if you’re going to rudely insist on not being me, and then deepen your shame by creating even more people who also aren’t me, well, I mean, there’s just no reason you shouldn’t also reach over to change my full adult diaper.
You might think “Why should I, already dealing with the stresses of parenting, international travel, and who knows what else, have to deal with the shitty leavings of a newspaper editor?” But you are beside the point. I’m the only person who exists. And I’m still wallowing in stinking waste of my own emission while you selfishly fuss over your beloved dependants.
It’s important that everyone develops social capital. Don’t pay attention to the nay-sayers warning that reducing even the most fundamental acts of human decency to an economics metaphor means hollowing out your soul, becoming a rancid abyss for the infinite spawn of the greed-spiders. I don’t miss my soul at all. And the greed-spiders savour best the nourishment extracted from those already struggling.
Doesn’t it just burn you up to see these children getting free candy, and milk, and belly rubs, all while you sit in your business suit trying (and apparently seriously failing) to think of something to write about economics? I get so mad it almost distracts me from the layer of feculence now cooling and drying against my genitals.
I would ask the stewards to clean it, but any service staff I’ve met more than once become too awed by my important blogging to ever dare interrupt, meet my eyes, or even walk near me in case it interrupts my furious typing.
Certainly you getting down on your knees in the cramped aisle to struggle with my toxic outpouring is essentially worthless. But you, someone who raises children — and therefore infinitely inferior to the species-critical task of editing an economics column — use it to do what we self-important strangers call “obeying self-important strangers”. And since you’ve somehow failed to either notice my glare or consequently hurl your pointless child from the nearest emergency exit, well, I’ve had time to think of ways you can help me. Once you’ve finished whatever minor parenting you’re distracted by.
Social capital can be quickly and easily earned by giving me candy, adding tasks to your already obscenely busy life (as long as they benefit me), purchasing and arranging thoughtful assemblages of gifts instead of the negative seven minutes of sleep you indulge in, and asking yourself at regular intervals “What would Monad Marlin, a complete stranger, like right now?”
I can speak with some authority because as an old white man I have an infinite amount of social capital. I take seriously my secret: shrewdly investing my social capital entirely in myself. I don’t even consider the possibility that there might be something I could do which would benefit others. I’m a black hole of self-investment. It allows me to value the pleasure of sitting in a cramped airline seat over your children. It’s why I started wearing this adult diaper.
Speaking of which: a-hem.
Luke writes science humour at ZERO POINT COMEDY.