Schrodinger’s Pregnancy Solution for the Eighth Amendment

Some politicians, commentators, and others who profit from extended delaying actions have implored people to take a “moderate” position on the eighth amendment. But it’s classically impossible to be moderate on a binary choice. Someone either supports repealing the eighth or supports Ireland’s constitutionally medieval definition of women as expendable production facilities for male heirs. There is no possible middle point.

Until now! Quantum mechanics has provided a political breakthrough. The desired “moderate” state can now be achieved by a quantum superposition of the mutually exclusive binary states, a combination of both repealing and not repealing the 8th. This would result in Schrodinger’s pregnancies where women are both pregnant and not pregnant, whichever causes less momentary annoyance to government which would really rather not have to deal with them.

Enda Kenny warmly welcomed the wave-equation solution. “This is even better obfuscation than the Citizen’s Assembly. Nobody understands quantum mechanics. If I can ignore the UN Human Rights Committee while women die of ‘discrimination and cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment’ in an allegedly first world country, sure it’ll be a total doss to ignore this. By the time anyone even understands it I’ll be long gone.”

He has already pledged to help pregnant women by refusing to ever debate, consider, ask, or even look at them, in case such observation collapses their convenient quantum state. The Catholic church has also offered special rooms where such women could stay indoors without windows to avoid being observed by anyone, and suggested that while there they might like to do some laundry.

Quantum effects of a Schrodinger’s Pregnancy include uncertainty about an entire life’s current position or future direction, and tunnelling effects where pregnant women trapped in the backwards pit of Ireland spontaneously travel across the barrier of the Irish Sea to England.

Luke has written SELF-DEFENCE AGAINST BABIES, writes science comedy at ZERO POINT ENERGY, and ANTIMATTER COCKTAILS for Cracked.