Scientists Waiting For New Star Trek Series To Announce Real Warp Drive

A global scientific collaboration is waiting for next year’s launch of Star Trek: Discovery before announcing the invention of a real warp drive. Having successfully solved the n-dimensional gravitational tensor equations required to puncture the substance of spacetime, allowing instantaneous travel to any location in the universe, they now only require CBS’s new series to make news sites care.

Early attempts to announce the fully functioning interstellar propulsion without fictional support ended in disaster. Several reporters are still sitting at their keyboards in effective comas, incapable of proceeding to a first paragraph without a wildly misleading pop culture reference.

“Warp drive” has been a staple of the popular science-fiction television series for fifty years, where subspace bubbles allow starships to distort space and thereby circumvent the normal limit of light speed applied to physical objects in our universe. The process is incredibly energy intensive and requires a matter-antimatter reaction moderated by fictional dilithium crystals to generate sufficient power. The scientists did something completely different, actually real, and probably extremely impressive, but nobody gives a crap.

“It’s an extremely exciting time for us,” said project lead Professor Notrane, “but we have to remember that technological breakthroughs like those which created our entire modern world don’t mean shit unless Harry Potter did something similar. Without a vague parallel in popular fictional franchise the advancement of all human knowledge just doesn’t trend.”

“That’s why we’re going with Star Trek, even though the drive is instantaneous and therefore much more like Event Horizon. Nobody remembers that movie.”

Luke writes science comedy at ZERO POINT ENERGY, and ANTIMATTER COCKTAILS for Cracked.