Naming All 97 New Areas of the Brain
Last week headlines breathlessly reported on 97 new areas of the brain which had been discovered, but didn’t tell us what any of them were. Please allow me to fix the hell out of that:
1 Furganfull’s hyuberlobe
2 Squidgy bit
3 Q34
4 USB-side-up randomiser
5 Crenellatious plication
6 Cockled flection
7 Furrowed rumplelobe
8 Self-aware shirringulate
9 Smart sounding wibbly bit
10 Wibbly bit which makes you sound smart
11 Looks like a dog if you squint
12 Squinting
13 Snooze button (if you’re in a movie)
14 “Jump”
15 “DON’T!”
16 Oh my god what’s wrong with me
17 Temporarily unscratchable location itch-inducer
18 Spot
19 Convinced the oven was left on
20 The door isn’t locked
21 Keys
22 Whatever other bullshit
23 That thing you did when you were 9
24 Reroute fat reserves survival panic to phone battery
25 Neural itching to check messages
26 Sexual rimple
27 Ennervated ruche
28 Crinkled rimplait
29 Enteric override
30 Enteric override override
31 Wifi nodule (currently evolving, so far only generates a vague hunger when connection is absent)
32 Genital tremor sensor
33 Genital tremor generator (on opposite side of brain, which is mainly used to conduct between the two)
34 Jaws theme
35 Bit in charge of poking things in horror movies, because no part of a functioning brain is going to do that unless specifically intended to
36 Inferiorizer
37 Popcorncephalon
38 Bubblewrapalothalamus
39 Awkwardly-acknowleding-strangers-after-accidental-eye-contactblongata
40 Witty combacktegmentum (exists five minutes anterior to speech center)
41 Jingles
42 Hunger
43 Sarcastaxic
44 Gluteus maximus appreciatus volumunis (non mendacium)
45 Carburretor
46 Rubix twistus
47 Guilt reservoir
48 Panic gland
49 Smotherington’s nucleus
50 Barrow-in-Furthington’s fold
51 Jallowmalloton’s crenellation
52 Some-people-cracked-open-corpse-skulls-and-got-famous-what-have-I-ever-done center
53 Slytherin
54 Desire to be something other than Slytherin, but be honest, it’s in here it knows what you’re like
55 Bit that thinks “Holy shit, a bit of my brain is thinking these words RIGHT NOW”
56 Bit that thinks “Bit that thinks “Holy shit, a bit of my brain is thinking these words RIGHT NOW””
57 Bit that escapes infinite loops
58 Overinterpretation of fMRI results
59 Podal-LEGO signal multiplier
60 Kitty!
61 Verbal cortex depolariser (triggered by beep of voice mail)
62 Half of the theme from that thing you saw as a kid, but none of the nouns which would let you google it
63 Screaming baby amplifier
64 Replaced by iOS 7
65 Short term memory reset (triggered by kitchen doorway)
66 Horizontally-activated bullshit worry activator
67 Shiny thing cortex
68 Bickering globule
69 Bellus delicatus
70 Oprah
71 Pokemon center
72 Lizard brain
73 Trump cell
74 Flimmington’s wibble
75 Hodgetiddle’s wonky bit
76 Ganglial tangle
77 Axon Jackson
78 Myelin
79 Yourelin
80 Weallin
81 Foricelin
82 Synaptic squiggles
83 White matter
84 Grey matter
85 Does it matter (activates instead of sleep)
86 Anticnidarian lobe
87 Soft-sounding cephalon
88 Tap taptaptap-tap
89 TAP TAP
90 Kate McKinnon licking that proton pistol
91 Inside straight fold
92 Sunk cost reading an article fallacy
93 Sesame Street
94 Hoverboard
95 Atomic clock (functions only when behind another car at traffic lights)
96 Helvetica
97 Squidgiest bit
Luke writes more science humour at ZERO POINT COMEDY.