Naming All 97 New Areas of the Brain

Last week headlines breathlessly reported on 97 new areas of the brain which had been discovered, but didn’t tell us what any of them were. Please allow me to fix the hell out of that:

1 Furganfull’s hyuberlobe

2 Squidgy bit

3 Q34

4 USB-side-up randomiser

5 Crenellatious plication

6 Cockled flection

7 Furrowed rumplelobe

8 Self-aware shirringulate

9 Smart sounding wibbly bit

10 Wibbly bit which makes you sound smart

11 Looks like a dog if you squint

12 Squinting

13 Snooze button (if you’re in a movie)

14 “Jump”

15 “DON’T!”

16 Oh my god what’s wrong with me

17 Temporarily unscratchable location itch-inducer

18 Spot

19 Convinced the oven was left on

20 The door isn’t locked

21 Keys

22 Whatever other bullshit

23 That thing you did when you were 9

24 Reroute fat reserves survival panic to phone battery

25 Neural itching to check messages

26 Sexual rimple

27 Ennervated ruche

28 Crinkled rimplait

29 Enteric override

30 Enteric override override

31 Wifi nodule (currently evolving, so far only generates a vague hunger when connection is absent)

32 Genital tremor sensor

33 Genital tremor generator (on opposite side of brain, which is mainly used to conduct between the two)

34 Jaws theme

35 Bit in charge of poking things in horror movies, because no part of a functioning brain is going to do that unless specifically intended to

36 Inferiorizer

37 Popcorncephalon

38 Bubblewrapalothalamus

39 Awkwardly-acknowleding-strangers-after-accidental-eye-contactblongata

40 Witty combacktegmentum (exists five minutes anterior to speech center)

41 Jingles

42 Hunger

43 Sarcastaxic

44 Gluteus maximus appreciatus volumunis (non mendacium)

45 Carburretor

46 Rubix twistus

47 Guilt reservoir

48 Panic gland

49 Smotherington’s nucleus

50 Barrow-in-Furthington’s fold

51 Jallowmalloton’s crenellation

52 Some-people-cracked-open-corpse-skulls-and-got-famous-what-have-I-ever-done center

53 Slytherin

54 Desire to be something other than Slytherin, but be honest, it’s in here it knows what you’re like

55 Bit that thinks “Holy shit, a bit of my brain is thinking these words RIGHT NOW”

56 Bit that thinks “Bit that thinks “Holy shit, a bit of my brain is thinking these words RIGHT NOW””

57 Bit that escapes infinite loops

58 Overinterpretation of fMRI results

59 Podal-LEGO signal multiplier

60 Kitty!

61 Verbal cortex depolariser (triggered by beep of voice mail)

62 Half of the theme from that thing you saw as a kid, but none of the nouns which would let you google it

63 Screaming baby amplifier

64 Replaced by iOS 7

65 Short term memory reset (triggered by kitchen doorway)

66 Horizontally-activated bullshit worry activator

67 Shiny thing cortex

68 Bickering globule

69 Bellus delicatus

70 Oprah

71 Pokemon center

72 Lizard brain

73 Trump cell

74 Flimmington’s wibble

75 Hodgetiddle’s wonky bit

76 Ganglial tangle

77 Axon Jackson

78 Myelin

79 Yourelin

80 Weallin

81 Foricelin

82 Synaptic squiggles

83 White matter

84 Grey matter

85 Does it matter (activates instead of sleep)

86 Anticnidarian lobe

87 Soft-sounding cephalon

88 Tap taptaptap-tap

89 TAP TAP

90 Kate McKinnon licking that proton pistol

91 Inside straight fold

92 Sunk cost reading an article fallacy

93 Sesame Street

94 Hoverboard

95 Atomic clock (functions only when behind another car at traffic lights)

96 Helvetica

97 Squidgiest bit

Luke writes more science humour at ZERO POINT COMEDY.