Top 10 Human Microwaves
Sometimes you’re hot. You’re too hot to handle. The club can’t handle you. Your boys can’t handle you. Shit, even the sun’s surface ain’t the place for someone as hot as you. It happens to the best of us on occasion, and for the people on this list, it happens more often than not. Sometimes, for a multitude of reasons revealing themselves to us in a multitude of mysterious and dazzling ways, people get hot FAST. I mean like 0 to 60 in 2.8 seconds fast, which is exactly the acceleration made by Disney World’s famous Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster (featuring Aerosmith). Nothing rocks you harder than a fast start, and that’s exactly how to best categorize the following individuals on this list. Like the Steven-Tyler-themed attraction that hurls you into the classic rock void at breakneck velocity, these men and women are some of the most instantaneously hot people you’ll meet. To be sure, getting “hot” can mean a lot of different things. But for the purpose of this list, it broadly stands for streaky, hard-to-stop, and fiery. In some ways, these people are go-getters and dream-makers. In others ways, they are egocentric and terrifyingly self-centered. However you look at it, these human microwaves are/were some of the best people to watch develop over time.
There was no official scoring system to quantify the standings on this list, though there were a number of factors influencing my decisions, such as one’s level of volatility, how hot they can get once already set off, and how long they could stay hot. So, whether it’s for their achievements in athletics, their boiling personalities, or their knack for getting cool things done in a hurry, these people are undoubtedly some certifiable human microwaves.
10. Donald Trump
You knew he had to make the list. The bad boy. Some might say the baddest boy there ever was. Our president-elect, Mr. Donald J. Trump is a damn microwave. It doesn’t take much to set this guy off. He ranks extremely high on the volatility scale, meaning that basically any negative comment ascribed to him by the media is grounds for a Trump tantrum. Politics aside, it is hard to ignore Trump’s many microwaveable features: he gets hot fast, he can stay hot for as long as he wants, and usually makes a loud beeping sound when he’s done getting hot. He would have most likely ranked higher on this list if it weren’t for the fact that this list is completely pointless and has no rhyme or reason to its order.
9. Serena Williams
I am equally enthralled with as I am terrified of Serena Williams. In the same motion that she could decapitate me in a gorgeous headlock, she could also land an unstoppable forehand to win her the Wimbledon. As far as personality goes, yeah Serena is rather intense, but what cut-throat athletes aren’t? When it comes to her actual game, she is unanimously one of the best in the galaxy. Her winning career, spanning back to 1999, has shown no signs of cooling off anytime soon. Her inclusion on this list does not indicate that one must win to be a microwave. Rather, her victories are a side affect of her insta-hot attitude and perseverance. Stay cookin’ Serena.
8. Sarah Palin
Possibly the greatest moment we got out of the 2016 Presidential Election was this bizarrely unprepared endorsement of Donald Trump offered by the former Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. At one point, we were offered the term “right-winging, bitter-clinging, PROUD-clingers of our guns, our gaughter [sic], and our religions, and our constitution,” to which I am entirely lost. Palin, in the same vein of “oh shit it’s my turn to talk” mentality as Trump, has given this country some of the best WTF quotes we may ever get. (At one point, she regarded Africa as a country). But do these silly and head-shaking blunders ever deter her? Not in the least. Sarah Palin’s unbridled resilience when it comes to public speaking is something I wish we all had. I’d love to give her a chance to opine about something she knows nothing of, because I think she’d give it a genuine shot.
7. Michael Richards
Yeah, I know the whole thing with Michael Richards going off on his racist rant is super old now, but I think that the incident left such an indelible mark on racist America that this asshat should get some recognition. What landed the Seinfeld has-been a spot on the list was his distinct ability to go from Kramer to Klan member in a matter of minutes. (If you haven’t seen the incident I’m referring to, you can try to watch the whole thing here). The character Richards was most well known for was loving, wacky, and harmless. But when the public saw him for his unstable side, it was clear just how easily triggered this dude was. Richards is proof that anger alone can set off someone as goofy and well-intentioned as a man named Cosmo Kramer. Never trust a human microwave, folks.
6. George Carlin
Another comedian makes the list. And this time, a dead one! The spot was originally going to go to Mr. Louis C.K., but I decided that the prototype for the well-spoken, vexed standup was a better fit. Carlin was not so much a hothead as he was pure microwave. Getting hot and bothered by issues most of us wouldn’t think about should we be left to our own devices, George Carlin was consistently killing it as a comedian on stage and most likely a philosopher or a wizard off it. Carlin found ways to keep the audience going that comedians still try to replicate to this day. His unique ability to get hot and stay hot while in front of massive crowds remains impressive, and his temper coupled with his clearly visible ideologies make him the number 6 most microwave-like person.
5. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
Talk about a win streak! The current, self-proclaimed caliph of Sunni Islam, this human microwave has been cooking since the inception of the Islamic State in the mid 2000's. ISIS has taken responsibility for some of the most heinous, unspeakable crimes of the past couple of years, and their leader, al-Baghdadi, has been reveling in it the whole time. Death to Americans and all that, but the present leader of Daesh ranks right in the middle of this list due to his easily upset personality and his no-nonsense take on the Unbelievers of the secularist West. All will perish in the wake of this hot sonofabitch.
4. Buddy Rich
When it comes to musicians, there was nobody as hot as Buddy Rich. While Kanye may come to our minds when it comes to egotistical genius, Buddy Rich transcended egotistical genius status with his choppy, lashing presence. He was damn good, and watching footage of him tap out a drum solo demonstrates how far ahead of the competition he really was. Rich saw himself as the premier drummer of the Big Band era, and he was probably right. Problem was, with such a God complex, he had trouble finding any redeemable qualities in his band members, who were marvelously talented in their own right, though were seen as childish and lacking by bandleader Buddy. While I’ve read dozens of stories about Rich, shaming him for his hardass stance on music, here’s one audio clip that sums up his professionalism/wrath nicely.
3. Oprah Winfrey
Serious question: When is Oprah not killing it? Actress, host, business tycoon, producer, and philanthropist, there’s not much that hasn’t been said about the do-it-all Oprah. She’s as generous as she is productive and has always (in my mind) symbolized the power that optimism has over pessimism in the world. Born into poverty in rural Mississippi, this human microwave has overcome extreme obstacles for wealth, fame, and professional success. Her show may have ended back in 2011, but her life outside of media has been as hot as it ever was. Just two years ago, she donated 12 million dollars to the Smithsonian’s National Museum of African American History and Culture. Sure, 12 mil may not be life changing money for Oprah, but it’s her repeated efforts to spur hope across the world that earns her a spot on the list. Even microwaves don’t stay hot this long, and Winfrey hasn’t shown signs of cooling off since her show started back 1986. I MEAN. OPRAH!!! FUCK.
2. Alex Jones
Holy fucking shit this guy can get hot. As far as getting hot, reaching unfathomably hot temperatures, and then proceeding to stay hot, Alex Jones of Infowars.com is hard to rival. Honestly, the more I thought about this list, the more I realized it could entirely be made up of athletes and bigots (the hottest of our kind). But Alex Jones takes bigot and hothead to a whole new level. Part of Jones’ inclusion on this list is admittedly due to his facial structure. There’s something about the way this guy moves his mouth, eyes, and nose that just screams microwave. He’s gritty, determined, strong-willed, and just plain dumb as hell. Whether it’s complaining about the water that turns us helplessly gay or derailing his own train of thought with a tirade on what it means to be an angry white man in America today, it is remarkably difficult to find someone hotter than Mr. Jones. But there is one person…
1. J.R. Smith
This list is entirely dedicated to one man: Earl Joseph Smith III, also known as J.R. Smith of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The picture-perfect career of J.R. is painted with broad, dominating strokes. His legacy is crafted by hotheaded decision-making, fiery streaks of ridiculous shot-making, and colorfully entertaining self absorption only found in Narcissus of Greek mythology. J.R. is like a badass child writing his own history, immune to any narratives saying otherwise. He does what he wants, when he wants, and however the hell he wants to do it. Winning an NBA championship may have been the greatest thing for J.R. superfans like myself. His antics in the offseason were some of the most microwavable moments out there, including this post-championship celebration, where J.R. straight up pours an entire bottle of champagne on a person. Sure, sometimes J.R. is quiet and his shots aren’t falling, but when the nuker is set to thaw and J.R. is given the ball, look the FUCK out. Without a doubt, J.R. Smith is the greatest human microwave out there.
