The Power of Positive Intent
And why it is important…
This is the scenario:
So you’ve arranged to meet someone at a certain place at a certain time. It could be a wife, friend, colleague or family member. You said 7pm, and you turned up at 6:50pm, on time and ready to go. You wait and wait. You send this person a text message but receive no reply, you may make a call to this person but it just goes to voicemail. It is now 7:10pm and they are now late. It starts to rain and you did not dress for the occasion, but you looked good when you left, hair was done the way you liked it, you’re wearing those trainers you’ve been waiting to wear and they are just not here. The anger starts to build and build and build. Whilst you’re pacing back and forth growing more and more impatient you don’t think of any reasonable excuse this person could have for being late. This person just doesn’t care, they are sloppy, lazy and you begin to recount all the times this has happened before with this person, looking for the excuse you need to justify your thoughts and feelings. That validation that you knew all along that this person was going to let you down. And they have. Validation acquired.

It is now 7:30pm and this person finally turns up, out of breath, smiling and unaware the anger you have, or maybe they are completely aware, but just want to forget about it and move on. But you just can’t, because to you, no excuse is good enough, you have already decided that the tardiness was intentional, you have your validation there is nothing else you need from this person other than them to feel your anger and your disappointment. So now the evening is ruined and this is the part that is damaging, this is where the cracks start and this is why positive intent can help.
I’m sure we have all been in a scenario like this one, perhaps we were the person on time or maybe we were the person completely unaware how our lateness affected the other. Whichever side of the fence you sit on there is something that I implement in every conversation and this can be used at work and at home; positive intent.
Now feel free to skip to the bottom and take the bullet points, but if you have the time read on:
Positive intent is our ability to remove our confirmation biases when interacting with others. Every interaction we have with a person is laced with biases from the way a person dresses, to the way they talk and there are thousands of books written on the topic. I’m going to primarily concentrate on our biases when we are faced with challenging conversations.
Think back to the last time someone came up to you and gave you feedback on something you did. Or perhaps you saw someone do or say something that made you think “this person is doing X because of Y” — that right there is the bias. We have already placed an assumption on why someone is behaving the way they are, now you could be right, but when you’re wrong this is damaging to personal and working relationships. The way we can find out whether we are correct is to first ask why.
“Why is X doing this?” When you ask a person this question you’re asking for an understanding and an insight into that persons behavior. Try it next time you need to have a difficult conversation with someone.
“I saw what you did there and I just wanted to understand the why”
As opposed to:
“You’ve only done this because of Y”
It sounds so straight forward right? The hardest part is taking the emotion out of the interaction. I found by telling myself that this person probably has a justified reason in their head as to why they are acting the way they are, and for me to understand that I need to ask and find out.
The hardest part is taking the emotion out of the interaction.
What you also do by asking someone why is to allow them to come to the same conclusion as you on their own, and if they do then that saves the difficult conversation on your part.
When you assume why someone has done something it can come across as aggressive and overly hostile, which in turn causes the person to equal that hostility with hostility on their part, this stonewalls the conversation and nothing can be achieved going forward. Have you ever had a conversation with someone with positive intentions and that person just immediately shuts down the conversation or tells you you’re wrong? You could just brush it off and assume that person is not listening to you or stubborn. Perhaps you just need to go in with positive intent.
When you assume why someone has done something it can come across as aggressive and overly hostile

Equally important is not just how the person you want to talk to feels, but how you feel. What emotions are you feeling when a person says or does what they are doing? When you take a couple of minutes to understand where you are and register your feelings, you may not feel as strongly about communicating as you once were.
I believe positive intent is one of the most powerful things we can use in a conversation. It is such an effective method of getting your point across to someone in a collaborative way. You remove the emotion, you remove the hostility and you remove human error on your part.
Next time you have a conversation ask yourself;
- Why is this person doing what they are doing?
- Is this person usually like this or is this a new behaviour?
- What emotions am I feeling at this long?
So the main points:
- Positive intent is removing your confirmation biases
- It is the power of asking why.
- It is removing emotion from the conversation
- It is removing any assumptions you may have.
Please share your experiences of using positive intent or any other insights you may have on the topic. Thank you for taking the time and let’s connect on Twitter @greenlightluke
