Image by RENE RAUSCHENBERGER from Pixabay

Judas steer. I must say, it’s beena rootin’ tootin’ rowdy time out here in the wild west. Well, with the gold rush n all. Not to mention the free land. But now that NFTs done arrived, jumpin Jehosephat, it’s bin wake snakes.

What n tarnation is an NFT you ask? It’s a non-fungible token, so they tell me. Or in plain English, a digital certificate of ownership. Rich folk say it’s kinda like a collectable of sorts. The artsy-fartsy type might call it cyber art I spose. I call it downright stupefying.

I seen gold fever with my own two…


As PUMPKIN stands mired in the spell of 0% interest for 24 months, JULES snatches his arm, and now holds him at gunpoint.

Image Copyright: Miramax. (Fair Use.)

Capital One TV Commercial: “The Diner”

Open inside a diner where hostages lay splayed across the floor. A robbery is taking place, much like how other credit cards don’t allow you to redeem rewards points on certain flights during pesky blackout times.

PUMPKIN, a crook played by Tim Roth, points a revolver as he clutches a plastic garbage bag. We reverse the shot and see JULES, played by Samuel L. Jackson, our coldblooded, yet financially sound, Capital One spokesman, stoically perched in a booth.

PUMPKIN: In the bag.

JULES casually drops his billfold in the bag. Indifferent towards his credit…


Go back in time and check out our 2019 best places to travel list. It’s much better than this list.

Photo by Norbert Kundrak from Pexels

Do you dream of reaching places you’ve never wanted to go repeatedly day after day? Where vistas stretch beyond your imagination because you don’t have one anymore? Well, if you have the itch to travel, or possibly chigger mites, this list of natural wonders will remind you of the unnatural lifestyle currently holding you hostage. Enjoy!

Your House

Home of the structure where you live, and much closer than people realize or wish to accept, this idyllic little prison is full of extremely familiar activities and tiny chigger mites that are virtually invisible to the naked eye.

The Fridge

Escape your couch and pursue…


Image Copyright: AMC. (Fair Use.)

A 1986 Fleetwood Bounder RV sits parked in the deep bush of Alaska. Jesse Pinkman is inside playing a first-person shooter video game when he’s suddenly startled by a rustle outside.

Jesse: Skinny Pete? Is that you?

Jesse cautiously nudges open the door. He’s stunned to see no other than the ghost of Walter White.

Walt: May I come in?

Jesse: Mr. White? You’re like, kinda see-through, yo.

Walt: Yes, Jesse. I’m a ghost now.

Jesse: Uh, right on. Hella spooky.

Dumbstruck, Jesse lets him inside. A moment of awkward silence passes.

Walt: Well, hey. I don’t want to take…


Image by David Stephanus from Pixabay

READY

START

GOOD

OKAY

YOU SMELL

LOOK AT YOU

LOOK AT HOW LAZY YOU ARE

YOU STAY AT HOME ALL DAY

WITH YOUR IMPORTANT “JOB”

LUMBERING AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE

A NONSTARTER ZOMBIE WHO’S PUT ON 10 LBS

YOU THINK YOUR WIFE STILL LOVES YOU? I’VE FELT HER TOUCH MORE THAN YOU HAVE LATELY

THINGS ARE REALLY HEATING UP BETWEEN US

I OWN YOU PAL

YOU AND YOUR DOG

I TAKE YOUR DOG FOR WALKS, AND I GET A GENUINE SENSE THAT HE LIKES ME BETTER THAN YOU

YOU WORK FOR ME NOW, SEE

AND GUESS WHAT BUSINESS I’M IN?


Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where I could comprehend my health insurance / Oh, wouldn’t it be nice to grasp what a PPO is

IMAGE COPYRIGHT: CAPITOL RECORDS

1. The “WOULDN’T IT BE NICE” stage

Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where I could comprehend my health insurance / Oh, wouldn’t it be nice to grasp what a PPO is / Maybe if I wish and hope and pray it might come true, then I’d be happy / Wouldn’t it be nice to know my yearly out-of-pocket maximum (baaa ba ba ba ba baaa ba ba ba ba).

2. The “YOU STILL BELIEVE IN ME” stage

I know perfectly well I’m not where I should be / Sitting here calling you during regular business hours, Anthem BlueCross Customer Advocate / I gave you my group number, member ID, and social…

Luke Roloff

Luke is currently one of the people in LA. His writing has appeared in Sports Illustrated, McSweeney’s and The American Bystander. More at www.lukeroloff.com.

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