Life after HIM

After what felt like a decade of loving someone, finally my heart and my mind agreed to move on. Sabi nila, first love never dies. Well, I guess it’s true. But I also have a theory on that. Maybe, your first love really stays with you forever. Not in a sense na forever kayo na. I mean, kahit mag asawa ka na, you will always remember your first love. In my case, maybe I won’t really be able to unlove him. I will still love him, but no longer in a way that I used to before. The love I have for him, will be different from the love I will be giving to the next person who comes into my life. Maaaring may part parin na matitira at para kay first love lang. Pero naniniwala ako na yung pagmamahal na meron ka sa first love mo, may mas hihigit pa sa pagmamahal na yun pag dumating na yung tamang tao. Your first love changes you.

I have always wanted a fairy tale ending. So feeling ko nun pag minahal ko sya ng mas matagal, at nagbunga lahat ng paghihintay ko, kami din sa huli. But no, things will never happen the way you want it to be. God is still in charge of everything.

My 3rd year in college, I felt the urge to say to him what I really feel. Before we even had a closure, we met up. Cause he needed to give me something. That time, I thought “eto na to. tapusin na natin to. Ayoko na ng nararamdaman ko.” But I failed. I wasn’t ready that time. If I told him everything, if I told him I can no longer take the pain, everything we have will slowly die. He will no longer talk to me, or he will try to erase me from his life. I wasn’t prepared for that. After that I cried. I cried harder. Went home feeling sad. Ilang days din tayo nagdrama rama sa bahay, nagkulong sa kwarto, nagsayang ng tissue, nangulit sakanya na umiiyak tayo. And because of that, my grade in one major subject was affected. I can’t even study. What was I thinking that time? That he was going to save me from everything? No. I was so immature. I waited till summer, for school to be over. Kasi sabi ko kakausapin ko na talaga sya, waited for signs.. for go signals. for advices. na paulit ulit lang naman. Ilang beses din akong umiyak sa friends ko. I remember I even asked my college friends, to have sleepover at our house because I really need someone to talk to. Buong gabi umiyak ang lola mo. Kairita diba? But I am thankful for them. They never questioned me or even give up on me. I even went for a vacation somewhere with my best friend and high school friend. I wanted to be away from our city, from everything that will remind me of him. I never thought madadala ko din pala yung sadness ko sa supposed to be “staycation” with friends. I kept crying. I kept asking God, why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel unloved? by my family.. by my friends.. and him. Napakalungkot ng mga araw ko nun. I was always at home after the vacation with hs friends. I wake up at 9 am, open my accounts then look at his account or even look for sad quotes, sad music tapos yun all day na yun. Yung sadness hindi nawawala. Kasi hindi ko ginagawan ng paraan. I waited for another month to finally have the guts to tell him, WE NEED TO TALK.

Masyado ng mahaba kung ikukwento ko pa yung closure. Pero thankful ako, because he granted my request. Actually, some of the things that happened that time, I can no longer remember. I don’t know. After the talk, we ended it on a nice note. I can remember telling him, “whatever happens if you’ll need a friend, you know where to reach me. “ And he answered it with, “I’d be waiting till you get better. I will be here for you too. Always.”

It’s been a year. A year since that closure. It was never easy. I had to go through a lot of heart aches to finally be free. Sabi ko nga, hindi yun basta basta na gigising ka nalang ay okay na ako. It is everyday convincing yourself na mag move on. Until nasanay na yung system ko na wag na syang isipin. Well, closure did help. Big big help. Looking back, marami ng nagbago.

On my last year in college, I felt the change. I was no longer waiting for something. I was able to do my best with my studies, focus. I began to appreciate the friendship I have with other people. I began to see things clearly. I read more books. I discovered more bands. I watched more movies. I became more close to God. When in pain, I prayed. When in doubt, I prayed. When happy, I prayed. He was just there. Waiting for me to surrender everything to Him. And when I finally did, He healed me. I was able to love myself. To do what I love regardless of what people will say. Hindi porket hindi ka mahal ng isang tao, in the way you want to be, eh they don’t love you with what they have. I believe, he did love me. He loved me with the best he can. But it wasn’t mutual with what I have. And that’s okay. I know that part of moving on was not thinking of him. When he asked if I wanted him to stay away from me, I know that’s the least possible thing I would want to happen. But I also know that after the closure, marami ng magbabago. And not talking to each other is one of those things. Change tho, is inevitable.

Sa totoo lang, moving on.. Ikaw yan. Ikaw lang makakagawa nyan. Oo, people will be behind your back to support you.. But if wala kang gagawing aksyon, hindi ka aabante. Hindi aandar ang sinasakyan mo. Para lang yang pagsakay sa jeep. You have the money, God is the driver of the jeepney. Ibinigay mo na sakanya yung bayad mo at sinabi mo saan mo gusto pumunta. Wag ka mag alala, kasi darating ka rin naman sa finish line. May mga tao na sasakay din sa jeep, sila yung mga tao na pwedeng makatulong sa pagmomove on mo, pwede rin naman maging parte ng bagong journey mo. Allow yourself to grow.

One thing I learned from moving on is that no matter how slow your progress is, what’s important is that there is a progress. :) Don’t rush things. Pain ends.

And if by chance that you might end up reading this, please always remember how you changed me. And helped me. You made me a better person. We might no longer talk, but you will always be a part of me. Thank you for teaching me what unconditional love means.

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