Confessions of a New Mom

When you think it’s all hit rock bottom, he takes it another step further making me feel absolutely worthless and dispensable. I’d been in shittier relationships, and I’ve been in some awesome ones but just meant for them to be long term. This one, I felt maybe could be forever but now I’m feeling like I never knew who he really truly was… and it’s scary to find that out now. Does he have a dark spirit housed in his body? Does he have multiple spirits in there? I wonder sometimes seeing as he doesn’t remember what he says earlier and denies anything hurtful… or is it just selective remembering? Relationships are rough seas to navigate, when you feel things are smooth sailing, another storm comes and jostles everything.

Yesterday is the last time I’m going to hear him say another painful comment to me (which he claims he doesn’t even mean what he says). Yesterday is the last time I’m going to come back to this relationship, even if it means I leave with my 3 month old baby. Yesterday is the last time I am tired of being sad and angry over his unforgivable behaviour. When enough is enough I need to end it before I feel the need to kick him in the balls. Though he would only hit me back twice as hard. It wouldn’t be the first time he left a bruise on my body. It wouldn’t be the first time he shattered my heart to pieces and took a stinky shit on it.

Even if I may have to go down the road with baby in my arms, I’m willing to do what it takes to pave the way for a healthy environment. Where I feel worthy, hopeful, confident, and understanding. But for now, I choose not to lose hope in us because all we have is family right? I don’t want for our baby to be fatherless after all…