Infinitives of an Oppressor

To love
To want what she wants
To want what we want
To excise my wants we don’t want
To want to accept my whole self
To fight
To fight in silence
To fight my silence
To fight quietly
To love everyone in the war
To wish there was no war
To wish I was doing more
To wonder what is worth doing
To silence myself
To disconnect
To live a life
To judge my apathy
To finally speak
To frantically protect my image
To watch the war internalized
To tread carefully
To speak outward only acceptable truths
To tire of self-surveillance
To mourn expression before the mines
To resent those I love
To feel like crying
To hide from mirages of my allies
To long to belong
To pretend I don’t know pain
To tire of trying to be good
To stare out the window
To pick at the hair growing out of my White chest
To forgive myself
To love