The Art of Silence

Few of us are masterful communicators that know the right thing to say at the exact right time. We can’t all be poets and writers. Fewer of us are masterful listeners.

Nobody is perfect, however, we should expect ourselves to keep on learning, even in silence.

Photograph by Christina Morillo

While for many of us, our teen years were full of rebellion and making our voices heard, the transition into adulthood might have been a bit rocky. Growing up requires new maturity and tact regarding all communication, something many of us have yet to master. Often, saying the first thing that pops on our mind, is not the best plan of action and can lead to resentments or misunderstandings.

Believe me, I’ve been there friends. Done that.

I can admit to being a bad listener. I can readily admit, I’m not perfect and there’s so much potential still here. In all that, though, I try to recognize with each interaction, the opportunity to grow, both personally and professionally. But, I’ve noticed, it’s up to me to seize it! It’s a matter of paying attention to details, assessing the audience constantly, and changing strategy when necessary. Sometimes it even means biting your lip.

In order to carefully gather the information you need, it is important to practice the art of silence and active listening.

Conversation is not always easy! Sometimes we get anxious and wrapped up in our thoughts, and we are eager to fill awkward silence or pregnant pauses. I am not here to chastise you for your less than graceful moments. We’ve all been there! But how often do you reflect afterwards, and instead of beating yourself up for saying that stupid thing — you thought about what was successful, what wasn’t and how this can help you navigate future conversations differently? I can honestly say this was not a skill instilled early on in my communications career. It is recent practice for me, where I often realize, I could have been a better listener.

Instead of telling them whatever I thought they needed to hear, sharing my side, or saying that everything will be okay, I realize how I could have done more by not saying a thing.

After almost all my conversations, I’ve begun to ask myself as series of questions.

“What might I have learned if I remained silent a bit longer?”

“What is a different question I could have asked to get them talking?”

“When could I have stopped myself from responding?”

Now I can’t always answer all these questions (honestly the first one is very rhetorical), but I do this because communicating is a skill I take very seriously and often, even the best communicators among us find it difficult to assess when perhaps we could have behaved differently, especially when we leave a conversation with a positive demeanor. Often, the most subtle of reactions, are the only indication we get, that quiet would have been preferred.

“Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.”

— Proverbs 17:28

Indeed, silence is golden. I’m sure you’ve heard this multiple times in your life. You’ve probably even though it, especially with the majority of the world’s population sharing their inner most thoughts like reality tv stars on social media. There are many different situations in which silence is truly golden for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately this is not a list-acle. If you are looking to find out how to cultivate silence in your relationships effectively, read on.

Let me just say, that silence can be rude and hurtful, especially when used as punishment. It is not an effective method at all times but it has to do with your attitude. So please remember that you are not entitled to kindness if rudeness is your approach. You can’t expect someone to open up to you regarding how they feel, if your attitude is condescending or judgemental. For all things in life, it’s important to consider the context.

Now — what if I told you that silence has the power to be kind?

There are certain circumstances when the quiet approach would have been the kindest approach. For example, a friend told you their husband cheated. I’m sure you have plenty of opinions regarding that — trust me, me too — however, your friend is probably not that interested. Most likely, they are simply looking to vent and commiserate, to talk to someone who will agree and reinforce what they are feeling — in that moment of anger. However, once emotions settle, there are two ways this usually goes, divorce or forgiveness. Let’s say they go through divorce, there will only be more anger where that came from if you allow yourself to be a conduit for it. With forgiveness too, if you express any resentment towards the cheater, there’s a good chance your friend won’t turn to you again in the future with any problems.

What if we employed methodical silence in this scenario?

Rather, what if we very carefully placed one or two open ended questions in there, and then just listened. Seriously, let’s just stop contributing to the conversation in a vocal manner for a second, and instead participate by being an active listener in their story, being invested in each word, and forgetting about even responding. Just take in the information your friend is sharing, like you’re in lecture. Ask one or two clarifying questions, to show you are actively listening and trying to get these details right, but otherwise respect the person at the podium.

Silence is just practice listening. It’s not about agreeing, disagreeing, validating their feelings with actions, or formulating an opinion in order to speak next.

It’s just pure listening.

So here’s a challenge for you. Next time you are having a conversation and are getting to know someone, try sitting in the uncomfortable silence that lays before you. You might discover that there’s much more to be said. And if there isn’t, just take the opportunity to reflect on the words said and the overall experience. Allow your mate to continue or end the conversation or change the subject, don’t do it yourself.

Simply allow yourself to observe the awkward intimacy that is silence and self-reflection in the presence of another human being.

Now, think on it. How do you feel?

Lusely Ann Martínez-Suárez

Written by

Business Consultant | Product Manager | Operations Strategist | www.luselyann.com

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