The world is, after all, indifferent to what we humans want. If we persist in wanting, in needing, we are simply setting ourselves up for resentment or worse.
- Ryan Holiday, Ego is the Enemy
Being needy is a weakness. Having an unfulfilled need is weakness. You’re strong if you don’t have any needs that you can’t fulfill by yourself. In other words, being strong is being TIM — Totally Independent MuthaFuxka.
Some examples of being needy
- If you’re an artist creating art and hoping that you get discovered.
- If you’re a Youtube vlogger or blogger(like me) hoping your content to blow up and get lots of likes, retweets, views.
- If you go to the gym and struggle and sweat to build a body just so your crush notices and falls for you.
- If you’re trying to build a product/business hoping, nay wishing, that people like it and give you money so you can get rich, you’re needy AF.
Being needy basically boils down to having insecurities. Insecurities arise when there’s a void inside that you can’t fill yourself. So you want something external to fill it. That sucks. Because you’re basically giving the keys to your happiness to others and their acceptance of you.
Even if you can somehow fill that void from external sources, you’re still needy and dependent on others. That is to say, even if you quench your needs you’re still a slave to them(your needs). Being utterly need-less is true freedom. There’s a famous quote that I love that fits this context very well.
Even if you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.
Don’t be a rat. Be a TIM. Be a cat. You have two options to get out of the pathetic condition of neediness. Either get rid of those irrational irrelevant needs or find a way to take control a.k.a find a way to fulfill your own needs and not be dependent on others.
If you ask “But I’m dependent on the farmer to grow food so I can eat it and survive. Am I not needy here?” then my answer will be “Don’t be needy but don’t be stupid either.” You obviously require the farmer’s food to live. But you’re not greedy or desperate for it. And that makes the difference.
Besides, being needy is so unattractive. It hints at desperation and is borderline begging. If you’re needy you have a lot to loose. In negotiations, the part that has a need for it to work out usually looses the leverage. Because bargaining is a weak place to come from. And that’s what being needy is mostly about. You’re asking others for their products/services with nothing to give in return. It’s a perceived-unequal exchange of value.
Being content and fulfilled is your duty. It’s only when your glass is full that it can overflow and fill other’s.
I see this as one of the biggest reasons for failure. People are too attached to the outcome. Too needy for success. Although it takes some practice and self-mind-control, it’s well worth it to develop the art of need-less effort making. Start by identifying your needs. When do you feel sad and blue? In what areas of your life do you need others? Try to eliminate dependency as much as possible. I’m not saying you should burn your bridges and be a solo cat. That’d be cucking frazy. Dependency is more of an internal thing. The next time you’re asking somebody of something, stop and take a moment to ask for what they want and then giving instead of taking. Call it karma or cause & effect but if you keep giving to others, you slowly but definitely detach yourself from that greed and neediness and that’s how you feel fulfilled on the inside.
You might then ask “If I’m not driven by my needs/desires then what should I be driven by?” The answer is Purpose and Vision, my friend. People who have a clear and attractive vision can motivate themselves over the long term. It’s like the opposite of being driven by impulses. Check out my other article on this topic — I don’t have a passion. I have a vision.
This has been told and retold as the essence of Karma Yoga which supposedly originated in Bhagavadgita when Krishna(symbolic God) said to Arjuna(symbolic Man) : “Chill bro. Just focus on the work.”
It’s probably just me but somehow getting too spiritual and mythical about this simple piece of advice makes it harder to implement. Let me demonstrate with a rather naive example. A budding painter from Paris is right now making great contemporary art because he loves it. He’s pretty happy in life(drinking wine and whatnot) and that is translating into his art. Obviously he puts his artwork for display at art galleries but what he loves most is spending those immersed hours in his studio. If you go and tell him “Hey buddy, you’re on the spiritual path to perfection as dictated by karma yoga.” Then he’ll start freaking out. Because you just put a crown on him for doing what he loves. And heavy is the head that wears the crown.
The essence of Karma Yoga is lost by involving gods and deities as it takes away from practical reality which is best perceived, calm and clear.
Being dependent on the results also makes you anxious which obviously reduces your ability to focus on the work required. So that’s a no-brainer. To sum up, here’s a formula for navigating life based on what has been discussed in this article : Clear Vision + Need-less Action.
Don’t be Needy.
Lusid.
Bonus diss on Karma Yoga and Evolution
The definition of karma yoga, according to Google, is “The discipline of selfless action as a way to perfection”. I’m not sure that such a thing as selfless service exists. Being selfless sounds great and compassionate but if you study the evolution of the mammalian brain, you will realize that empathy is actually rooted in deep pragmatism. The reason mammals feel love and empathy towards others is because they have a higher chance of survival. Empathy is probably highest for humans and that shows because human babies are the most incompetent (as compared to other animals) at the time of birth. This is just one of those scenarios where we got played by evolution. “Feeling warm and kind-hearted? Don’t get so mushy. You were given these emotions to take care of your offspring one day.”
Disclaimer : I’m not refuting any major principles of karma yoga or any religion for that matter.
