Episode 3: Everybody’s Diggin A Hole
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back! Hey y’all! So yesterday was Sunday which means we got an all new episode of #ClawsTNT and man do we have a lot to unpack. Let’s go ahead and dive right in.
Our episode opens with everyone gathered around our problematic favorite Virginia; who is recapping the details of her capture and torture. Only problem is little Ms. I Struggle With Making Smart Decision’s story sounds less like a cover story and more like what happens when you hand your 3 year old the book at bedtime and they pretend they can read. Sigh. Girl, just making up unnecessary facts which are equal parts hard to believe and verify. For instance, she says they had her tied to a toilet in the middle of the swamp, slathered peanut butter on her toes and then licked them. This was after she said they slathered peanut butter on her toes and let a wild swamp pig lick them.
Meanwhile, everyone gathered around is trying to understand and Desna is getting visibly frustrated because she realizes this story doesn’t make any damn sense. Fix. It. As if the details were not terrible enough, Uncle Daddy presses Virginia for a name and because she was not paying attention during hooked on Phonics, the child say Titus (but pronounced it like Titties). Who’s friend is this? Come collect her. This is the first set of holes that is dug and I sympathize with Desna because I would’ve wanted to drop kick her into next week. Virginia never knows how to act. We should’ve known she wasn’t gone stick to the plan.
Any way moving on, Desna decides she has to take Ms. Following Instructions Is Not in My Color Wheel to her house because its clear she needs an ever present watchful eye. We can’t leave this one to her own devices, because she gone get everybody killed.
After the little chat with Virginia, Uncle Daddy and Bryce (Jenn’s husband and Roller’s Brother) go chop it up with a man who is at a PEAK white sporting event; alligator wrestling. I don’t even have time to go into just how ridiculous that is because so much happened in this episode, but if I did. Any way Uncle Daddy and Bryce are running the details to this unknown black man and are looking for help with figuring out who these people are because they believe these the same folks who killed Roller. Oh Virginia girl, what have you done? This has been messy, now its getting messier and complicated.
Back at Desna’s house, Virginia is there and apparently she is still suffering from Diarrhea mouth because she’s repeating this trash ass story to Desna’s brother, Dean. Please. Virginia. Just. Stop. Talking. I think the girl is allergic to shutting the hell up. Desna tells Virginia she has to bring her ass to the salon and rightfully so because I mean, can we really trust her to be left alone?
Short answer, NO.
Let’s pivot for a moment and talk about Jenn’s husband Bryce. We really met Bryce last week when he was heavy sobbing at the loss of his brother Roller. We kinda got a glimpse into his marriage with Jenn, because Bryce was all “I wanna go be Uncle Daddy’s new fave” and Jenn hit him with a swift and firm Nah. While Jenn probably thought that would be the end of it, it wasn’t. In this episode, Uncle Daddy has intentionally kept Bryce close and in the loop regarding the investigation into Roller’s death in hopes of convincing him to take over Roller’s spot. Bryce, bless his heart, is more pitiful than a little bit and anxiously wants to step into shoes that he could’t fit if there were padded with extra socks and he had extendable feet. Stay in your lane Bryce. But because he lacks the finer cognitive skills, Bryce BEGS Jenn to let him work under Uncle Daddy and to take over running the clinic. Jenn, the more pragmatic one caves and eventually asks Desna to train Bryce. Lawd. This the same Bryce that was struggling while practicing his motivational speech in front of his wife and kid (y’all know that black one ain’t his). How he gone be a crime boss? How Sway?
Against her better judgment Desna agrees to train Bryce to run the clinic and of course its a terrible ass idea. I am starting to think something is in the water because everybody and they mama have terrible ideas around this group. So y’all know how it goes right? Bryce who lacks any adult basic skills to function as a criminal on his own is out here ministering to the junkies in the clinic when a man begins having a seizure in the clinic. Dr. Ken, who really should have his license revoked, is outside having a full blown meltdown because he is Facebook stalking his ex-wife and found out she’s getting remarried. I am so sick of Dr. Ken’s shit. I swear. Bryce comes to get Ken and at the same damn time a delivery man is making a drop-off. Brilliant Bryce lets the delivery man into the stock room and LEAVES him there while he assists Ken.
Listen. I have so many questions. Why the hell was Bryce even helping Ken? He’s not a physician, or nurse, hell he probably not even CPR certified. This little lapse in judgment costs them big as the delivery man steals $88,000.00 worth of pills from their stock room. See this is exactly why NO ONE WANTED YOU WORKING WITH UNCLE DADDY BRYCE. Damnit. Every time our girls try to head towards legitimate business they are sucked back under the thumb of Uncle Daddy. Once he learns of the theft at the clinic, he’s forcing ERRBODY to pay for it: Desna, Jenn, Bryce and ole stupid ass Dr. Ken (can you tell I’m fed up?). We do learn at the end of the episode though, that Uncle Daddy actually set up this entire robbery scheme. Wonder what he’s up to?
I gotta say in this episode we learn a lot more about Jenn. Apparently, Bryce used to be addicted to drugs and struggled to get clean. She wants away from Uncle Daddy and nem just as bad as Desna and I really start to feel sorry for her. Poor Jen Jen. Her husband has gotten her into some shit that he can’t handle and now she and Desna are about to have to clean up his mess when all they want to do is go legitimate.
Speaking of moving into legitimacy, Desna spends a great deal of time this episode chasing down Mandy, who is supposed to be helping her get into a new salon. Desna crashes Mandy’s party and in true charming fashion convinces some of Mandy’s friends to come get their Claws slayed with her for their bachelorette party. This was gold because Ms. Polly Pocket and Ms. Ann were in rare form. Polly Pocket’s parent’s were in a cult and married her off at 14 and her and her Sister Wives killed their 57 year old husband and ran off together. I told y’all episode 1 that Polly had ALL the secrets and they would be good.
Ms. Quiet Ann was married for SIX WHOLE YEARS; to a man. But the original Ms. Steal Yo Girl had to divorce when she learned that her and her husband were screwing the same woman TA. Quiet Ann the goat. The laughs roll in all night with the ladies and of course y’all know they show those bachelorettes a good time. If its one thing Desna, Jenn, Polly Pocket, and Quiet Ann know how to do, its have a good ass time. This whirlwind night is so exhilarating that Mandy becomes deeply invested in helping Desna get her a new salon. She wants our girl to win. Yay!
But there was one huge issue this episode and that is Virginia. Little Miss Tell It On The Mountain didn’t realize that Uncle Daddy has a cop working with him. He’s a crime boss so of course he has to have a crooked cop. This detective swings by Desna’s shop to ask Virginia some questions and got damnit if she ain’t learned that less is more. Virginia is speaking to the detective in Desna’s office and I swear she’s pulling facts from the air. She and this president might be related. One said fact that she gives the detective is that she went into a gas station. Virginia makes my soul tired. Anywho, Desna the ever perceptive and instinctive problem solver springs into action grabs Virginia and heads to the station in hopes of beating the detective there. They do, small praise dance. When they arrive the gas station attendant says he works there everyday and doesn’t remember Virginia. Desna tries to bribe this man with $25 and even I’m offended. Virginia decides to use that mouth for something more than talking them into a hole and offers him a blow job. Okay Girl. Whatever works.
It does work and he agrees to say she was there. Afterwards though Desna has to have a talk with Ms. Thing about using her brain more than using her mouth. Let’s hope she listened. The detective was able to verify the story; FOR NOW.
There were tons of little details this week that everyone is going to need to keep straight going forward. Although, there were some major setbacks with the clinic and Virginia, I guess we can celebrate because Desna may get her new salon after all. Let’s see how we get outta these holes first though. What did y’all think this week?