My struggle with Imposters’ Syndrome
Writing this article has been the most difficult task this year. Imposters’ syndrome has crippled me so much, I feel like I’ve been stripped of any hope that I will ever find employment. This year, there have been voices telling me that I don’t deserve all the accolades I have achieved. Most of the time, I believe these voices.
Growing up, I was constantly compared to other children in my grade. I wasn’t performing as well as my mother wanted me to with my academics. My family and teachers would always make comments about how smart I was but it wasn’t showing in my academics. I barely made it through each grade and by the time I completed my matric, I had assumed the worst before my results came out. I was ecstatic when I read my results and found out I was attending university. Finally, I had achieved something my mother was proud of. The excitement and joy slowly died when I had to focus on passing each year. My imposters’ syndrome became unbearable in my 2nd and 3rd years of studying due to almost being financially excluded from university. It’s a struggle many black students know. My mission was to complete my studies in record time and become employed soon afterwards. The 13th of December was the 2nd last day I felt truly happy (the last day being my graduation day). It was the day I found out I was going to graduate. It was an exciting moment. So surreal.
I sometimes believe that my graduation was just a figment of my imagination. From the time I received my report at the end of my third year to my graduation day, I thought that someone was playing a prank on me. I thought someone had given me the wrong report and mistakenly wrote my name on that report (because it cannot be possible that I achieved those marks). I remember going home on Sunday (after celebrating my graduation with friends) I had to watch my graduation video a couple of times to believe that I had graduated. It was me who did all of that. My graduation felt like an outer body experience. I felt like I was watching someone else graduating.
2019 has been a horrible year. This year is the first time in my life I’ve stayed at home for longer than a month without doing anything. It’s been a struggle getting a job. Unemployment has made me doubt myself in ways I have never imagined possible. This year I have asked myself if this degree was even worth it. The trauma of almost being kicked out of school because of finances is something I will never get over. Every morning I have hope that I will be employed and I will be someone important. I’m clinging onto the little hope that soon, I’ll be employed and I’ll have the luxury of affording therapy. For now, I only have my hopes and dreams that are keeping me alive.
With Love,
Luyanda.
