Luyanda Khumalo
Nov 1 · 2 min read

My struggle with Imposters’ Syndrome

Writing this article has been the most difficult task this year. Imposters’ syndrome has crippled me so much, I feel like I’ve been stripped of any hope that I will ever find employment. This year, there have been voices telling me that I don’t deserve all the accolades I have achieved. Most of the time, I believe these voices.

Growing up, I was constantly compared to other children in my grade. I wasn’t performing as well as my mother wanted me to with my academics. My family and teachers would always make comments about how smart I was but it wasn’t showing in my academics. I barely made it through each grade and by the time I completed my matric, I had assumed the worst before my results came out. I was ecstatic when I read my results and found out I was attending university. Finally, I had achieved something my mother was proud of. The excitement and joy slowly died when I had to focus on passing each year. My imposters’ syndrome became unbearable in my 2nd and 3rd years of studying due to almost being financially excluded from university. It’s a struggle many black students know. My mission was to complete my studies in record time and become employed soon afterwards. The 13th of December was the 2nd last day I felt truly happy (the last day being my graduation day). It was the day I found out I was going to graduate. It was an exciting moment. So surreal.

I sometimes believe that my graduation was just a figment of my imagination. From the time I received my report at the end of my third year to my graduation day, I thought that someone was playing a prank on me. I thought someone had given me the wrong report and mistakenly wrote my name on that report (because it cannot be possible that I achieved those marks). I remember going home on Sunday (after celebrating my graduation with friends) I had to watch my graduation video a couple of times to believe that I had graduated. It was me who did all of that. My graduation felt like an outer body experience. I felt like I was watching someone else graduating.

2019 has been a horrible year. This year is the first time in my life I’ve stayed at home for longer than a month without doing anything. It’s been a struggle getting a job. Unemployment has made me doubt myself in ways I have never imagined possible. This year I have asked myself if this degree was even worth it. The trauma of almost being kicked out of school because of finances is something I will never get over. Every morning I have hope that I will be employed and I will be someone important. I’m clinging onto the little hope that soon, I’ll be employed and I’ll have the luxury of affording therapy. For now, I only have my hopes and dreams that are keeping me alive.

With Love,

Luyanda.

    Luyanda Khumalo

    Written by

    Writer/director Genderfluid Queer

    Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
    Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
    Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade