Go get a vibrator.

“You need to get a vibrator.” This is the advice I gave a friend of mine, as we walked out of our ritual Saturday morning yoga class, asana-blissed and chatting about the itchy, twitchy, glitchy things in our lives that are always biting at our ankles. Kids and finances and body changes and still, as if it were lunchroom conversation in high school: boys.

The post-asana conversation evolved (or de- depending on your perspective), from shoulder positioning and kidney loop to pelvic tilt to mula bandha to Kegel exercises to ben-wa balls and their potential use as yoga aids. Or not, since the looks were priceless as I tried to explain ben wa balls to my friends (No, they’ve been around a lot longer than 50-shades-of-utter-crap. Yes, they’re a kind of sex toy. Yes, you put them there. No, I don’t own any at the moment. Hm.).

Maybe to my friends’ relief, the corner turned on the conversation; to the communication challenges between one woman and her beau and how that’s affecting their sex life. To the ways he gets so submerged in the drama in his head and lets the internal conversation pervade that he fails to notice the gorgeous, kind, fabulous woman right in front of him. She feels neglected and frustrated and he feels overwhelmed or daunted by life and maybe a little inferior to her inner strength; each on their own side of the bed not knowing how to express this to the other, and so it remains an elephant that grows larger with each conversation uninitiated and each night spent unfulfilled.

We are a feared breed: strong, self-confident, self-sufficient, emotionally-stable, empathetic middle-aged women. We don’t need, but we still selectively want. We know ourselves so well and yet we find ourselves at a loss when dealing with them. And they, in their inability to communicate their insecurities, make us feel inadequate because of our strengths. And the vicious circle perpetuates.

Most of our yoga practice, on and off the mat, helps us push aside the mind-chatter and life-frenzy to focus on the actual reality presenting itself before us every day. It’s not easy but it’s part of the practice, discerning between our own self-inflicted drama or reaction around a thing and the thing’s actual volume or velocity or substance. I think the hardest part about being a sentient being is managing the mind. So we gravitate towards a yoga practice that teaches us this early-on: the practice is there to help calm the fluctuations of the very mind-stuff that bogs us down*. Most of the time we fare commendably in dealing with the big stuff that gets thrown at us each day. Sometimes (not often enough, if I’m honest) we seek help with the bull elephants in and out of the room.

And so I said to my friend, “you need to get a vibrator.”

There was an incredulous look on her face. But whether or not she in fact purchases one, it’s really a metaphor for taking care of herself. The thing with The Boy will sort itself. They will communicate and work things out; or they won’t. Like getting her shoulders on her back in a certain pose, or tucking her tailbone or pulling in her abs (a tiny internal movement not unlike Kegel exercises, which is where we started), there’s strength and wisdom in observing what small changes we can enact to make things just feel better. There’s a modicum of self-care and there are small self-indulgences we can take every day to make life just a little bit sweeter amidst the evolving, chaotic dealings these times throw at us.


So either she’ll find a way to have the conversation with him that, “it’s just sex” (her words); or she’ll get the vibrator; or she’ll get the vibrator and bring it on their next date. Or she won’t. Maybe she’ll find someone new that makes her smile more and makes her strengths feel less like weaknesses. And maybe she’ll need the vibrator less. Or maybe she’ll get some ben wa balls too. And maybe the New Boy will help her learn how to use them…

In the end, it’s how you respond to what’s in front of you that makes all the difference. That’s the practice, vibrator or non.


Thank you for reading. If you liked this essay, please click the 💚 to share with others who may not otherwise see my words. If nothing else, it will make me feel good. Merci, and have a lovely day. 🕉


*Yoga Sutra 1:2 Yogas citti vrtti nirodhah [yoga calms the fluctuations of the mind-stuffs]