Transitioning is less like a pokemon evolving and more like a pokemon being pushed down a ravine and expected to roll back up the other side. All the while blind.
I have no idea where I am going, who I’ll be at the end, whether I’ll even survive the journey, letalone the potential descrimination and abuse after it.
Before and definitely since…discovering?… realising? I was transgender all I’ve wanted to do was drink. I mostly keep it to once or twice a week, but the yearning is always there. I just want the thoughts to go away, to be left alone. They never leave. Midway through fixing an issue at work? Bam. You’re transgender freak and you’ll always be a half man-woman or hate yourself, or both. Hanging out with friends, having a good time? Bam. Again.
It’s not like hating your job, where you can escape at 5pm. It’s there all day everyday and often every night. To not depend on a substance to deal with my own issues is a decision I make multiple times a day.
When I started HRT I knew there’s almost no way to know what I’d look like at the end. Would I be a bald-faced version of man-me with half-sized testicles, or would I be a ‘typical’ young 20-something lady.
You’re told to go in without expectations of change, physically or mentally. I get that. I do. I feel like I have taken it to heart and believe it, but it hurts. In 3–5 years I could feel like a woman mentally and be in the body of this 195cm (6’5"ish?) broad shouldered string bean with tits and a dick.
The doubt and fear can be crippling. I believe it’s important to remember that it doesn’t change who you are, it just ‘helps' you and others to see how you see yourself in your mind. It’s not some cure-all.
You know that stupid saying “you have to be the change you want to see”? I didn’t google it so it could be wrong. I’ve never liked that saying but unfortunately it is true. HRT doesn’t change who you are. You have to. I hate the hair covering my body, the short mop on my head, my poor fitness level, my poor work ethic, my anxiety and sadness, the fact that I work for other people and not myself.
Since 'becoming' trans, my life, mentally at least, has become harder and will likely continue to do so. Would it be this hard if I had decided to not transition? I have no idea.
I just know life is a series of events and decisions - things you do and things that happen to you. I feel like 'realising’ your trans is something that happens to you, and what you choose to do after that is what makes you who you are.
I may be going down a road with no map and no sure outcome, but it is what I am choosing to do.
I am reframing my thoughts and actions. I don’t want my transition to be an “issue” pushing me to drink. I don’t want to be down and hating on myself. I want to be a content creator living my own life for me, and the only way to do that is to do something.
