5 Things You Might Not Know About Military Marriage (Women in Waiting)

I am currently undergoing the eight brutal weeks with out my Fiance as he conquers Air Force BMT (Basic Military Training) The first few weeks after he left, I acted like he had died. Ladies! Your Military Spouse has not died! He has gone away to give you a better future. Please take a deep breath! In, out, in, out! That’s it! He will be back. From recent experience, the first four weeks are the toughest for both of you. But after you’ve conquered those first twenty-eight days, it will actually start flying by! All of your friend’s and family are going to tell you to get up and get busy while he is gone. But the truth is, it’s okay to slow down and think about him. For me, nothing made me stop thinking about him. Even working! I am sixteen and working a day a week at 7.25 an hour. So I consider myself unemployed. It is actually okay to be lazy and binge watch on Netflix all day everyday. Those first twenty-eight days were hard but they do pass. I didn’t get up and get busy when he left, infact I got down and got lazy. But once the letters start coming in, you’ll realize he is okay and you’re both going to get through this and come out stronger!

1. Military Before Marriage

“While common marriage advice holds that a person should place his or her marriage above all else, military spouses often don’t. Living with this reality often requires a lot of patience.”Alison Perkins said, who serves as the editor of a military spouse resource website, SaluteToSpouses.com. “In a military marriage, duty is first; everything else second,” said Perkins.

It may seem unfair at first but you have to realize; Your Military spouse signed a contract giving his life away to serve for a certain amount of years, they own his ass! Being a Military Wife you need to have a lot of patience but you also need to prepare yourself to not be in ‘Freak out mode’ when your spouse comes home one night and tells you he is being deployed. Please, what ever you do don’t freak out on him. When this situation occurs in your marriage you need to support each other, he is going to recognize that fact that he is leaving you all on your own. So you need to recognize that he is going to leave and it’s your job as his wife to support him and love him no matter where he is in the world.

2. Surprise! Is your house clean?

When your Husband gets stationed, you get stationed. His orders are your orders. In a way, the Military owns you. That means there are guidelines to follow. If you don’t follow them, your Military spouse won’t get promoted or get a raise. Your actions effect his career! Believe it or not, your base house being a mess is a big no no! What ever branch your in; if you are staying on base that means the military is your landlord! Which means they can check up on you when ever they feel like it and if they show up and your house is a mess and not guest presentable, they can write you up and that can get your husband in trouble by effecting his reputation on base.

You may not think these small things effect your spouse in anyway, but they do. Other things like simply having questionable habits or inappropriate behavior can hold your husband back and actually strip him of security clearance, promotion, raises, or desired duty stations. Your actions effect him in a big way and can get him in trouble.

When your Military spouse, get’s access to Security Clearance that means he has access to classified information. The process of getting that clearance actually involves you because you are apart of his reputation so they want to know if your spouse is ‘trust worthy’ or ‘checks out’;that includes interviews.

Your responses and behavior effect how they see your husband because as his wife you are apart of his image. Breaking the law and rising financial debt will also effect how they see him. For example, one case in which a security clearance was denied when the military’s spouse had racked up $50,000 in debt. The judge specifically said that allowing his wife to “manage all finances was an example of poor judgment, and not the level of responsibility expected of a clearance holder.”

It isn’t just poor financial management by a military spouse that can get a service member in trouble. Your career field and poor habits can also lead to a clearance being revoked. For example, a Military spouse was working at a marijuana shop in Denver where it is legal. But in this case federal law overrules state law.

If a service member’s security clearance is pulled it can change their career path. They could be placed on administrative leave or simply moved to another position. This could also prevent them from getting orders to desirable duty stations or even from rising in rank.

So be on your best behavior, Ladies!

3. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

When your spouse is going through the motions with his recruiter before BMT. Recruiter will say anything to get them on board. But there are things your recruiter will leave out or Lie about. In my experience, my fiance’s recruiter lied and told us that we could not get married until after BMT because all the paperwork had already been signed and he has already swore in. The truth was we actually could, but it is a lot of paperwork and a complicated process that our recruiter in fact was to lazy to do. He also left out the fact that if we do get married before BMT, we get separation pay.

Also! Some things your recruiter might have left out and you might not know about for one reason; They don’t get paid to tell you the bad news and they don’t have the time to help you out. There job is to get you on board after you make the cut: If your trainees tech school is 4 months or longer, he is authorized to have his wife with him, Ladies get on that! Other things they won’t tell your Spouse are things like “Your handshake is week or clammy.” “You don’t make eye contact with the interviewer.” “Your attire is sloppy, revealing, trashy.” “You talk too fast, or too slow. You curse when answering questions.” They get paid to find the right people for the job, not the right job for the people. But like I said they don’t get paid to tell you the bad stuff. They’ll say anything to get you on that bus. Recruiters are Liars. So please do your research!

4. Homecoming Adjustments

It may seem like your Military spouse coming back home to you is the best part! Well, it is! In the moment.

While he is gone on deployment, you have to take on the role of Wife/Husband/Mother/Father and do all the daily things around the house. You are on your own and after you’ve adjusted and taken on these roles. He comes back. The reunion is emotional and happiness all around but now it’s time to get back to life. So he is going to come home and try to take on the responsibilities of Husband and Father. The roles that are his. That process of letting him take on whats his again can be hard or it can be a good thing. That conversion takes a lot of patience from both you and your husband.

It could also be very emotional on your part. Letting him take back those roles in your marriage can give you a nice breather. But it can be overwhelming knowing that any moment they could deploy him again with out any notice and you’ll have to take back his roles. So it can be hard to even let his roles go. Ladies, let it go. Let him help you while he is there. He is trying just as hard as you are and needs to know your still in this for the long haul. Take a breath and give back his roles, if he leaves again don’t be afraid. If you did it once you can do it again.

5. Secrets

Depending on his Job in the Military. There could very well be moments at the dinner table where he can’t tell you what he did at work that day. You have to accept that there are things past your level of clearance. I’m sure it breaks him as much as it breaks you that he is keeping secrets from you but it’s just apart of the job. There could even be times where he gets deployed but he can’t tell you where he is going. Like I said, Accept it. It’s apart of the lifestyle. You got to do what you got to go, but you have to do it together. In situations like this, its either make it or break it. You have to be there for each other. Let him know you are okay. Let him know that it is okay that he has to keep secrets like this. It’s just apart of being in the military.