I have a lot of questions.

As my ever need to continue to work on myself grows, I find that I stumble and fall along this path to grow more often than not. The last two months have been unfathomably frustrating. I went backwards after feeling as though I had made a good year of progress. I have neglected myself. I am so focused on a larger picture at the moment, that I have forgotten my body entirely. The lesson from these experiences: I have to forgive myself. I have to release. Rather than accepting, I was fighting. I have not been a good person. Not that I have done anything terrible per sé, but I have let little demons creep into me and slowly let them win.

I am always overcome with an intense sadness when this happens. This is the state of my mind at this current place in time. It reminds me when I was like this every day of my life, and I do not want to be that person again. I can’t be. Saying, “oh, after April, I will be better. I will do this, and this, and this, I will meditate more, I will read more, I will write more, and I will be better.”

I asked myself last weekend, why not now? Why am I deciding to wait until after April? April means that I will be free from the constraints that I alone put on myself. I overextended how mentally and physically capable I am of doing something on my own. Now the stress of attempting to maintain myself in the midst of having to work on projects that I no longer want to spend time on has spiraled me into a negative abyss. I have difficulties saying, “no, that’s not possible for me to do at this moment.” I have to learn from this and make it better for next time.

In my eventual realization that I could not continue down this path of negativity, many things became clear. I talked to my mentor to help me clear my head. We did a lot of body work so that I could learn where I needed to focus my energy. Other things have not been so clear, though. Synchronicities and symbols have been appearing everywhere since I met with my mentor, and they’re significant and obvious, even if I cannot figure out what is going to happen from seeing them.

This next piece is something from my journal that I wrote earlier this evening. It sparked me to write this first piece and it may not make a lot of sense to anyone else, only to me and others that understand.