3 Tips To Regulate Your Emotions and Save Your Relationship
“Emotion self-regulation” describes a person’s capacity to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience, especially negative ones.
Emotional regulation has been the most important tool for me in my relationship. I used to be pulled under by my emotions (and I still do once in a while, I’m not gonna lie) and stay under their overpowering control until I finally found the only release button I could find that would give me release: pushing the man away, shopping, running to another man, or sabotaging the relationship in some way.
As you practice self-regulation, you regain control over your emotions, you connect with your own heart (which creates a deep, loving, vulnerable with your partner) and you grow into the Queen of your interior world. You become confident in your own relationship to yourself, poised, and in ownership of your feelings rather than spilling them all-over your man in a way that is needy, insecure, and aggressive.
If a man sees that you have no control over your emotions, he will most likely withdraw (unconsciously or not) emotionally to protect himself and/or because he doesn’t know how to handle overflowing emotions. I know what you are thinking…isn’t it his job to be there for us as well? A true partner should want to support us when we are feeling down and upset.
YES. But it is our job to present our emotions in a way that is non-threatening to him. By showing that you can master your emotions, you basically show that you can pull your own weight in the relationship and that will make him feel safe enough to open his heart.
A key to a man’s heart and soul is through your own heart and soul. Your relationship to your heart, soul, and emotions will either connect you deeper to a man’s heart or will push him away farther because whether he realizes it or not, he wants his woman to feel like a sanctuary, not another job. If a man sees that you are not safe with your own emotions, he will not feel safe to open himself and be truly vulnerable to your love.
With that said, the right man will love for your wounds as well. If that’s all he sees and experiences through, your unprocessed past will get in the way of an intimate emotional connection because your mistrust will create in the way of your heart truly bonding to his.
1. Stay present with your trigger. Hold it. See it through.
When you feel triggered, abandoned, insulted, ignored, not important to him, recognize the physical emotion. Allow yourself to feel it. Pushing it away only rejects a part of you that will come back to haunt you.
What are your thoughts on the situation? Are you going to the place in you that believes you’re not good enough? Are you making it about your hurt feelings rather than assessing the situation objectively? Ask yourself, “how important will this be tomorrow? Next month?”…”Why am I reacting so strongly? What part of my past is actually triggering this strong emotions?”
2. Shift your attentional focus.
From obsessing over the behavior that triggered you, choose a different focus. Connect to the people walking by or the birds singing outside. Choosing a different focus short circuits the part of your brain that is in flight or flee mode.
3. Change the thoughts and meaning you are imposing on the situation.
It is easier to change thoughts than it is to change feelings. If you feel that your man spent too much time at work today and you feel that he doesn’t love you enough to spend time with you…choose to see that he might be doing it to provide for your life together instead of taking it personally. Your thoughts inform your emotions and your emotions inform your internal world and how well you can relate to the outside world.
