Stop saying these things to single people
Washington Post
27924

Thanks for your interesting article Lisa. I was married for 43 years of my life and mingled in a literary/bohemian milieu where all were welcome no matter what the marriage status — this kind of thing was totally irrelevant. Then I left my husband at the age of 60, moved scenes, and began to encounter some of these exact same attitudes you describe –especially the one where even close, very aware, friends never invite you when it is couples — I can remember being taken aback by this.

But it is well worth really looking to what is happening. Concerning friends trying to fix up the fact of your being single and giving you advice . . . well that is exactly what they are wanting to do, to FIX you. What passes for love and care from friends is actually not true love and care at all, it is ‘fixing’, an imposing, arrogant, controlling behaviour which shows little understanding about life and also indicates that there is a very strong image held and not deviated from, that fulfilment in life depends upon having a partner (thanks to the happily ever after programming of early fairytales??) Whatever it is, this behaviour is not true love in any way shape or form — it is not even respect. True love resides deep within every human heart and is always there and accessible to live by, married, single, whatever . . . . There is not one ounce of emotion in true love and from the place of this love we are able to observe and understand people without imposition.

But what has happened? The very people who have imposed upon you trying to ‘fix’ you, have themselves been treated by others this way, and believe it to be ‘love’. This kind of ‘care’ is a substitute for real love and we have all been fooled by imagining it is love. When you are on the receiving end of this substitute for love you can feel it strongly and it often triggers a reaction. When we are doling it out ourselves we don’t notice it so much.

But here is the thing. We could be the very ones to choose to break this vicious cycle of ‘fixing’ others, giving unasked for advice, which is passed on from generation to generation like a genetic disease, by actually aligning to the truth of love in the innermost heart and begin to observe and understand others and read why they behave as they do. Also we can heal our own carried hurts that are triggered by those who insist on ‘fixing’ us. I found that as I healed myself of those hurts I no longer cared whether I was invited to a couples evening or not — I just feel amazing in myself and immensely enjoy whatever I am doing.

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