Despair To Joy
How does one pull themselves out of the depths of despair? You keep moving — you don’t quit…EVER! There’s a difference between stopping to rest or asking for help but don’t you dare give up.
Medicine Bird, my 14ft pull trailer has truly held me; on the floor, across the bed, feet up the wall by my little table, on her outdoor step and knees and head pressed against the bathroom wall while sitting on the toilet.
Oh..that bathroom wall.. It certainly has my forehead prints and salt water in it’s pores. I can’t tell you how many times I cried tears of anguish, my third eye pressed into her walls like she would heal me and give me answers.
And then one day, something happened…the same bathroom, head to head with Medicine Bird, and tears of joy and gratitude spread down my cheeks and onto her floors. How did that happen? I had forgotten what joy felt like. I had forgotten what I was thankful for. I didn’t question the joy, I simply held onto that feeling for dear life.
My nomadic life as a healer and minister for the holy weird started in October when I separated from a life that I had known for thirty years. I simply had to follow my higher self’s calling and launch into the wild unknown. I had no idea the wolves and predators would be so fierce. I had no idea of the darkness that I would have to sit in. The lonely hours were haunting. The loneliness was even more engulfing.
The day that Medicine Bird and I launched out is a day that I’ll never forget. I pulled her to a little campground in New Caney, TX, just outside of Houston. Why there? I had a call and a pull to visit a dear friend and for other reasons that were unknown at the time. I barely knew how to hitch her and park her and I hadn’t checked her out to make sure if everything worked.
It was late afternoon when we pulled into our little space, the day before my birthday, on January 8, 2020. I unhitched, got her jacked up and leveled as best as I could and then proceeded to hook everything up. How did you hook things up? What hoses went where? Luckily, I have pretty decent handyman skills and knowledge but I sat for a good chunk of time in the back of my trailer on YouTube seeking as much help as I could.
I can’t say that everything went smoothly, as I had some major leaks in the rotted out hoses underneath my trailer. I also realized that my fridge is actually a freezer! There’s absolutely no insulation anywhere, so the floorboards and bed are very cold. Thank goodness for 2 space heaters and a heated mattress pad. My time there was interesting and I’m so grateful for connections I made while I was in that community, as well as, friends with whom I reconnected.
The enormity of changes that were taking place, hadn’t quite hit me until I got to my next stop, which was back near Austin at a RV resort where I’m currently residing. I felt like everything was working against me. I got into this victim mindset and I was trying everything that I knew how to, to dig myself out. I would pray, meditate, dance like a wild woman in the trees, read, write, weep, and try to get out and move. I had been in a considerable amount of pain for a good while, to the point I wound up in the ER with neuropathy in my feet and hands. An MRI, CAT scan and labs revealed no real issues. Every fear that I’d ever feared, was right at my door, pounding and screaming to show my face. And I did. I had to open that door and start looking at each of those fears with fierce eyes and a fierce heart.
I battled with anger, abandonment and rejection, jealousy, hatred, sorrow, grief, unworthiness, shame, and an overall sense of darkness. I came to the point where I needed help. I am a boss and a badass but I had to come to the place where I had to lay down my sword and surrender.
I’m so glad that I did. I sought counseling with a wonderful therapist who specializes in Internal Family Systems therapy. I’ve done so much inner work, mostly conversing with my child self and learning how to swim in the deep waters. I no longer try and run or get rid of the things that I don’t like or that make me feel uneasy; I have simply learned how to allow ALL of it.
The more we try to separate the parts of us that we don’t like or that are uncomfortable, the more our body’s will start erecting walls and building dams. Every part is there to teach us a valuable lesson and the more that we stay open and soft, the more healing can take place. I have learned how to be more gentle with me — to allow for grace and compassion. I started writing daily love notes to myself. I am learning how to be alone and being the lover and friend that I need to be for myself. I want to fully show up for others so that I can serve in ways of pure love, and the only way to do that is to LOVE ME wholly. I can say that I do, although I know that there will always be things to examine and inner work to focus on.
I have had more joy, love, gratitude, pleasure, passion, delight, lightness, peace and aliveness than I ever have and the good Lord has been holding me in so many ways that I couldn’t even begin to number. I have enjoyed my time at this RV park as I’ve come to know the staff and connect with a considerable amount of residents. I’ve been giving free massage to the staff in exchange for rent and also have been offering chair massage for the residents. Again, it is clear why I am here, in this particular place and time. Many people are in a place of searching for the meaning of their own life’s path and I am so grateful and humbled to be a witness to so many.
I’ve also been pressing forward into my mission work for the Holy Weird. There’s been a lot of resistance on my part to do this higher calling, as it takes vulnerability, authenticity, courage and willingness to put in the work…despite the fear. However, the more I move forward into the scary parts, the less physical pain I feel. I will save that topic for another blog!
When you want to give up, please don’t.
When you want to run, run to your precious heart.
When you want to quit, keep going.
When you want help, ask.
When you want a friend, call me.
Lynna Foster, Return To Your Wild
March 8, 2021
