Reflective Thursday

Our autism journey

The questions come, the answers don’t. I asked Owen “did you have a good day at school”, no answer was made. I wasn’t expected it. In all the times I’ve asked that question there has only been one day that he answered. He yelled “yes yes yes”. He was tiny then. But he answered the question. I’m not sure how to handle the emotions sometimes, the loneliness. After picking Owen up there’s such joy seeing his face, hearing his excitement in his words and tone. He tells me what he can tell in the ways he can tell me. My heart soars with anticipation of this. But yet the loneliness still sits heavy on my heart. I keep going. I keep pushing forward. How do I not show sadness on my face all the time. How do I express the joys I feel, but heavy hearted is right there next to it. This is my little boy full of emotions too. It’s hard. We get in the car or sit at home and I have to do the talking. I have to give life’s explanations. I have to be the voice for his voice, even though he is learning. What’s hard is the knowing, the knowing that he can’t tell me what he always wants to say. Two years he had to wait to tell me his words. Two years of storing the knowledge he wanted to share. And I wait for more beautiful explanations to come. He got a stuffed animal for Christmas, before his second birthday. It has stayed in his bed since. One day he said to me who it was from and “Buck” the name I had given it. At that point we hadn’t talked about it in easily a year, it was just there in his bed. How many other things is he storing, waiting for the right time to be able to put his words together. I wait and long for that day. He sits in a ball, joined to my hip, listening to a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode that he liked as a baby. He finds them on his own now and he tells me what adventure they are on by single words or Toodles’ tools, but he tells me his story. I never stop talking around Owen, asking questions, answering them myself and waiting for him to interject when he can. The waiting, it brings sorrow mixed with joy. I try to focus on the joy. I try to focus on the knowing my baby is growing, happy and healthy. I try to focus on the “I luv ewe” from my baby. I focus on the love we share. Growing Owen is what we do. Today, tomorrow and always I will be his voice, our voice until his wings are ready to fly. Share your voice, share your story, someone is waiting to hear it. Smiles to all and donut daze!

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