That Sparkle

52 Week Writing Challenge

At some point I felt like the world was crashing around me, and then all of a sudden I felt the weight lifted off of me. Then I felt the weight all over again. These are the days of a special needs parent.

Owen woke happy, greeted me with the usual “wanna mulk”. I’m not so sure anymore that he really wants milk as he really doesn’t understand that he should say good morning or hi momma. And then I get confused, because occasionally he says those things. How does the brain process all the correct responses for all the events in a day.

He is making so many connections to things. It seemed like one after another. I watch the sparkle in his eyes change when he figures out something. I can see how excited he gets and how he tries to use it to show me. I can only imagine how much effort it takes for him to tell me something. He repeats things over and over again, watching the videos, saying the lines, applying the actions to our every day lives. This makes me cry and rejoice at the same time. How hard is this on him. Does he understand how much he struggles. Does he understand how sad I get when I can’t help him understand.

The rollercoaster ride is like no other ride I have been on. It’s like walking in the sunshine, with happy like bunnies jumping around only to start walking on fire, and then being handed flowers to the tune of Old MacDonald, but only the first four words of every song until you have to count to ten backwards and forwards, while thinking about food and yellow. His mind is amazing and it all comes at you at once. Sometimes you just have to breathe.

As I was putting Owen to bed I looked at him and the focus and determination on his face became crystal clear, a sparkle washed over his face. I sucked in a big breath of air. I thought he got something, there’s a connection. I felt it, I saw it, and I loved it. I can’t wait until I hear his voice again and learn what is new with my baby.

I have never experienced anything like this before. I’m thankful for the connections he is making. I’m thankful for the joy I see on his face. But all of this is tinged with a little bit of anxiousness to when the next meltdown is going to happen when something doesn’t go according to plan. The living on the edge. The tightrope walk we do to try to find peace for Owen.

The repeating of words and actions will continue. It makes sense to him. It helps him. I’m learning how it can help me to work with him. I can’t wait to see the sparkle wash across his face again. Those moments, the sparkle, the connections, that is what keeps me going and leaves me inspired and motivated to do more.

Autism wasn’t important to me, until autism was important to me.

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