To Ask Thursday

Our autism journey

“Bring me the chair”, I said to Owen. He sat in it. I wait a few minutes, and ask again. Same response, only this time he says, “bring me de chair”. I think back to those forms at the doctor’s office they wanted me to fill out. Can your baby follow two step directions, how about three; how about I want to cry every time I see a piece of paper pertaining to what my child can, and cannot do. My tears are flecked with emotions. Another sip of coffee hoping to keep the tears at bay. Every few days I ask Owen to bring me the chair. This is a hard concept if you really think about it. A chair is to sit in, not move about, but yet here I am asking him to bring me the chair. Sitting makes much more sense. This morning when he woke it was hard for him to focus on anything. He asked for school, and his teacher, but when I tried to get him ready he ran from me, yelling “bus” the whole time. Some days it’s hard for him to process it all. Some days it’s hard for me. He finally came to get ready, but he wanted to help me. That meant both legs were going in the same hole. He got upset, because I wanted to put each leg in a separate hole. Time was fleeting, we had to go if he was going to make the bus. I had him sit down, this would distract him. I took his legs, and put them in his pants. I have to remind myself to be patient. I knew we had to make the bus. It would be no big deal if he missed the bus, but it would. He expects to ride the bus. His afternoons vary, but his mornings he rides the bus. If he missed the bus I would have to take him, that’s how it used to be, but now it’s all about the bus. And maybe about my own anxiety of him missing the bus. How would he handle me taking him, would he scream, would it make it hard on him all day, or would he still be excited to get to school. It all sits in my memories from other moments we’ve had. I wait on pins, and needles some days, hoping, upon hope, that he won’t scream while we are doing things. My emotions rock me to my core. This is my baby, and I don’t know why things have to be so hard on him. I can’t always convey why we have to do something the way we have to do it, and this in itself causes it to be hard on him. I tell myself to be calm, that I can’t change things, he either screams, or he doesn’t scream, but I still wait for his reaction, and for mine. Today I think about tomorrow. I plan for it, I try to prepare for it, I want to be ready for it, but then I make what I call a rookie mistake, and we start from scratch. Through it all I see growth. Thankful for it, and I know that the more connections he makes the better it will be. Find your inspiration, and change your world. What are you waiting for. Smiles to all and donut daze!