My problem with rest
How do you choose rest when it makes you miserable?
I have been loving getting myself fit & well again after having Covid last year followed by quite a long ME/CFS ‘crash’.
I wrote an article a week or so ago about not giving in to self-doubt or worry & just going for it. A day or so after that, my dodgy knee decided I’d been using it way too much & went on strike…
Climbing a stair felt like I had been stabbed through my kneecap down to the front of my leg. As a result, I have spent the past week resting.
What I noticed was how quickly my sense of happiness & motivation vanished.
I asked myself — why do I find it so suffocating to have to rest, to not be able to do what I choose to do? I’m not talking about anything big — but going to the gym or going for a long walk — or even just being able to climb the stairs at the grand old age of 44 & not be in agonising pain…
My thoughts:
The trauma of developing a chronic illness in 2011 is still raw. When I find myself in these situations — with my body dictating my behaviours, it seems to trigger the memory of a time when I had ZERO control in my life.
The feeling of being trapped, of having my simple freedoms snatched away hits me hard every single time.
I am very self-aware, I re-trained as a counsellor due to being unable to continue teaching & during that time I accessed therapy for myself. I understand why — it just doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable.
My reaction to things like this takes me straight back to where I was for almost 5 years — incredibly unwell, feeling trapped, frightened, depressed, anxious & very, very disengaged with life.
Thankfully it doesn’t last very long when I get reminded like this, but I would love to be able to embrace rest fully & lessen these feelings a little sooner.
Despite ‘doing the work’ on myself, I do still have an unhealthy relationship with rest.
“Take rest; a field that has rested gives a beautiful crop” Ovid
It’s a common theme with the people who I support with ME/CFS. Resting has been enforced by our bodies so choosing to rest feels totally at odds with our strong desire to be more energetic & more active.
Once I was able to bring reason to my emotional response it did begin to subside.
I started the week feeling fed up, resentful & going inwards, but by taking the time to understand my reactions & showing myself some much-needed self-compassion, I’m all in with resting for another day or so & will use the time to get some writing done, to work on the online course I’m creating & maybe watch a bit of TV whilst staying in my PJ’s …!
Because I also drop straight into feeling guilty for needing to rest, I created some affirmations this week which I think helped:
· I am not wasting time by resting
· I do not need to feel guilty for not being active this week
· My worth is not determined by how much I do
· I am grateful for having this time to write
· This is temporary, my body will heal
Shoutout:
I’ve enjoyed reading lots of stories this week. One that stood out for me was written by Kasturi Patra.
As I had been feeling a little low due to my non-compliant knee some of those tell-tale limiting beliefs around my new passion for writing on here began to appear.
In this article, Kasturi Patra discusses some of Brené’ Browns quotes to encourage us, new writers, to keep going & not allow those feelings of ‘not good enough to creep in. It was very timely for me, you can take a look here:)
Thanks for reading, Lynsey
How do you cope with things when you’re thrown a bit of a curveball?
Do you have a good/bad relationship with rest?
