To be clear from the outset, I know this is an attempt at satire. That said, dude, going in on people who have a harmless passion you don’t share is a dick move. If they’re pushing this on you, they’re not your friends. Reduce your exposure and move on.
Aside from the fact I really can’t stand that kind of “humor,” I’m also utterly clueless where these LaCroix megafans even are. Is this a Portland thing? I’m in the heart of California’s San Joaquin Valley red zone, so most of the hipness of what we see on the shelves here flies right by me. I actually do drink it, but (a) it’s cheaper than anything other than soda at the WinCo that I can actually stand to drink and (b) I’m keeping my artificial sweetener consumption lighter than I used to. On point A, Canada Dry’s flavored seltzer is my definition of vile. They ruined raspberry. I was in shock.
As for the “have you tried water,” have you tried Bakersfield water? I use a filter on my tap in the kitchen and I still have to mask the taste with something or else leave it out for two days while whatever semi-safe remnants of the local oil drilling operations evaporate. I’ve lived here nearly five years now, and I still can’t deal with it unfiltered. This probably also makes me a hipster without horn rims, as I have opinions on Mio that aren’t “Why?”