children in grown bodies
“I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you”
-“Numb”
healing is work. it’s an every day/hour/minute/second endeavor to become your whole Self.
and yet, there are some days when we never see that healing work completed. just practiced.
for those of us who have suffered childhood sexual abuse, there is a daily struggle to not live into the loosely tightened security of safety nets: people-pleasing, hyperactivity, perfectionism — which are all really filters of shame, guilt, and worthlessness. for many of us, art becomes a means by which we walk a pathway of healing by encouraging someone with our creation. for me, and Chester Bennington(the noted leader singer of Linkin Park), it was — is, our words.
Voice, after all, was not our strong suit as children. i mean, who would believe us? who could we tell? why would we tell?
we saw how you treated the last child who came forward with abuse allegations. you brushed it off. you swept it under the rug. or, worst of all, you didn’t believe us. except you brushed it right into our spirits and swept it into our souls. and, worst of all, you did believe us. you just didn’t have the courage to face the despairing depths of the terror of our Truth.
they say necessity is the mother of invention. and a need to live causes us to invent ourselves again. and again. artist. writer. preacher. poet. singer. musician. human.
“Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real”
-“Crawling”
Bennington’s childhood sexual abuse came to light in an 2008 interview with Kerrang! Magazine where he testifies that, “It escalated from a touchy, curious, ‘what does this thing do’ into full-on, crazy violations. I was getting beaten up and being forced to do things I didn’t want to do. It destroyed my self-confidence.”
for 6 years, he suffered in silence, too afraid to disclose the Truth: “I didn’t want people to think I was gay or that I was lying,” he attested. “It was a horrible experience.”
i was introduced to Linkin Park by my younger brother. and, although i didn’t know the fullness of Bennington’s story then, i was drawn to the throaty passion of his delivery. now, i know, he was my brother in the struggle.
like Bennington, i, too, was sexually abused by an older male from 7–13-years-old. it is an uncanny sensation to have your trust broken in such actively silent moments. to be reared in sexual violence is a particularly unholy act of evil. to live in silence is to have the trauma, quite literally, most figuratively, crawling in your skin.
Bennington lived, and died, having never disclosed the perpetrator of his abuse. but his affinity for substance was seen in his lyrics and his destructive coping mechanisms.
the drinking and the drugs weren’t the roots of the issue(s), however. it was Bennington’s perception: the need to escape a Truth so full of pain and trauma that only hallucinogens could create an alternate reality he was remotely able to exist in.
what do you do when the only safe space is a constant state of inebriation? loved ones may want to stage an intervention, but, by then intoxication has become a sanctuary.
until, sadly, it can no longer hold you. Bennington transitioned from this life on Thursday, July 20, 2017.
i am still here.
and it’s by the grace of God.
and radical truth-telling. and therapy. and art. and communities that know how to hold space for me. and self-care. and diet. and crossfit and spin and bikram.
and Love.
so…Love your Self today. in a way that makes you feel particularly cared for. in a way that speaks to your Love language(s). and if you need to tell your story, i am willing to acknowledge, believe, and listen to you. for:
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
-Maya Angelou
Rest in Power, Brother Bennington.

In case you or someone you know needs support, here are some resources:
Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273-TALK
Crisis Text Line, the free, nationwide, 24/7 text message service for people in crisis, is here to support. For support in the United States, text HELLO to 741741 or message at facebook.com/CrisisTextLine.
For support outside the US, find resources at http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
