5 Things You Need To Know About The Midlife Crisis
The common perception of the midlife crisis is that it’s a phenomenon that starts when a person reaches a supposed half way point in their life which leaves them feeling an accute sense of their own mortality. This causes them — apparently — to demonstrate uncharacteristic or hedonistic behaviours in an attempt to regain their youth. And while that’s not always incorrect, it’s a pretty simplistic view of what’s actually quite a complex process.
Below, I do a deep exploration into the midlife crisis, analyse it’s causes, it’s consequences, and discuss whether it’s actually a crisis at all.
1. Crisis In Inverted Commas
When I was writing a play last year, my research lead me to an interesting article that revealed when victims of hypothermia are found, they are very often naked. This is because just before they freeze, the victim’s body generates a last, intense burst of heat in an attempt to save their life. But as a result of this, the victim becomes so hot that often, they take their clothes off because they think they’re burning up. It’s a phenomenon called paradoxical undressing — and I think this is essentially what a midlife crisis is: a final burst of intensity before the twilight years commence.
By the age of 45/50, you’re usually in a more senior position at work, you’re very possibly the proud owner of a hefty mortgage, and a less proud owner of a steadily stiffening, weakening body. (I mean if Roger Federer’s knees are buggered, what hope is there for us normal people?)
What all these factors do is encourage you to derisk your life and to start behaving rather more cautiously. You go from ‘I’ve drunk five pints and have work tomorrow — ok maybe one more’ to ‘If I have a coffee after 4 pm I’ll never sleep.’ In short, four to five decades in, life gets decidedly less fun.
But from what I’ve observed, a midlife crisis is ill-named. ‘Crisis.’ A catastrophe. An emergency. But take my friend Benjamin as an example. Seeing him in the middle of a midlife crisis was quite illuminating. I once witnessed him in a club, shirt off, stumbling around hopelessly, spilling his drink over himself, drooling and looking dumbly joyful - and it was like watching my 2-year-old daughter playing. He looked utterly euphoric. Prior to this crisis, Benjamin was a pretty unhappy — and frankly very boring — individual. (He used to alphabetise his condiments in the fridge door compartment. Naturally, whenever I went to his house I would rearrange them) He was one of those friends I kept in contact with because he was so dull he made me feel like 70s Keith Richards.
But Ben’s midlife ‘crisis’ changed him for the better. His wife loved his new zest for life, he began to embrace rather than reject fun, he became more receptive to new ideas (a trait that so often diminishes with youth) and he became much more generous. He became a man who doesn’t put the ketchup in front of the mayonnaise in the fridge because ‘k’ comes before ‘m’ in the alphabet.
So firstly, maybe the midlife crisis in a lot of cases should be welcomed with open arms rather than feared or mocked; it appears to have some seriously rejuvenating and restorative effects.
2. Why Doesn’t It Happen To Everyone?
Only a quarter of people proclaim to have experienced a midlife crisis. Why?
Generally, I think if people are happy, then they tend to avoid the ‘crisis.’ And we all have one or two friends like this don’t we? Irritating, nauseating people who are always happy. Because they’re the same weight now than they were in the late 90s. Because they’re wealthy, they’ve got 3 beautiful kids but they still look young. And of course the kids are always angelic. Well, they’re going to continue along their blissful trajectory aren’t they? Crisis averted.
But if you’re a person who has grown disillusioned, bored or frustrated, maybe 45 or 50 is simply the amount of years of discontent, stress or unhappiness that the mind can tolerate before it snaps? Perhaps many of us have midlife crises to dislodge us from a prolonged period of unhappiness. (granted, it won’t have been 4 decades of unhappiness because our teens and twenties are usually bloody brilliant) I see the midlife crisis then as a sort of pressure release valve, shunting us violently into an abrupt change of course so we avoid a potentially nasty existential crash.
3. Mistaken Identity
The traits of a midlife crisis seem to many to be clear and obvious, yet for others, it could be a case of mistaken identity. In other words, are a lot of people who seem like they’re in midlife crisis mode actually battling something far more serious?
There’s a lot of information out there about the signs of a midlife crisis — but much of this info has very little to do with the middle stage of life.
I remember talking to my cousin’s friend only a few months ago about the midlife crisis, and he told me how a few years ago, people at work were teasing him about having a midlife crisis because he’d lost weight, grown his hair long and seemed to stop caring about his job. What had actually happened was his marriage had broken down and his spouse of 25 years had left him, so he’d stopped caring about eating, hygiene and work. Because his self esteem had been obliterated. So while a lot of friends and workmates were mocking him over succumbing to this apparently comical process, he was actually in huge distress, and no-one was helping him.
Moreover, depression or PTSD has a nasty habit of lying dormant for years, even decades after it’s initial appearance and then reappearing or remanifesting. Furthermore, depression is also very common later in life simply because the longer you’re alive, frankly, the more crappy stuff can happen. Very often it’s not about some sociobiological phenomenon — it’s simply a case of time and opportunity.
People who are in their 50s and upward — prime age for such a crisis — could well be going through a divorce, their children may have left the nest, they could have become carers for their own parents, or there’s the possibility that they’re living as widows. These kind of accutely challenging circumstances can lead to behaviour that masquerades as so-called midlife crisis type behaviour, so it’s probably a good idea if a loved one is presenting with these characteristics to check in with them. Properly.
If they’re having a Benjamin style: ‘sod the condiments, let’s go naked water skiing’ experience then great — leave them to it, but it’s always best not to assume it’s something they’re just going to get out of their system or a phase they’re going to snap out of, because they could be dealing with something far more difficult than you’d imagined.
4. Crises And Gender
I hope it’s not gone unnoticed that I’ve not written this article with the presumption that a midlife crisis is a male phenomenon. We need to remember that women have midlife crises — and it isn’t the menopause. The menopause is biological — the midlife crisis is due largely to hitting a series of frustrations or ‘life ceilings.’ You’ve reached the top of the hierarchy at work, your children no longer need you in the same way, you have to compete with younger people professionally or personally, or your age means that you’re more static than productive. Many woman encounter these problems just as many men do.
Obviously, there are exceptions to the following statement, but I think it’s still valid to say that a lot of women tend to be more willing to talk to other people about their challenges and anxieties than men. I know a lot men who can communicate their frustrations, but can’t communicate their fears. And if these fears get bottled up, often the result is very amplified, brash and uncharacteristic behaviour — behaviour that drowns out or masks the real issues within. Women might not exhibit such overt and seemingly undignified behaviour because they may well have sat down with friends or family and worked through these fears. And while a lot of men do this, it’s equally true that a lot of men don’t.
5. Suppose Rather Than Assume
We’re in a difficult social climate when it comes to the mid-life crisis.
More than ever, society is polarised. It now allows us to be ourselves, share our problems and personal evolution and strive to be our real or ‘authentic’ selves. And about time too. But at the same time, because we’re all carefully curating our lives on social media and reporting them through content and imagery that is so filtered and cherry picked, there is huge fear around not appearing undignified, unfasionable or just plain old. This dilemma is difficult for anyone at the best of times, but if you’re going through a crisis or transition, part of you will be screaming to broadcast your problems, and the other half will be smothering those screams.
Also, even if we want to be ourselves, personally or publically, when we get to 40 or 50, we stop being ‘ourselves’ anyway. We change. We put on weight, we go grey, we have to stop doing that which we want to do because our bodies begin to limit us.
The whole thing is a complex, confusing phenomenon, and it’s not surprising it leads to some strange, outrageous and challenging behaviour.
Ultimately, the most important thing to remember if you or someone you know appear to be having a midlife crisis, is that it might not be about the middle of their life, but it could well be a crisis. Alternatively, it could be the best thing that’s happened to them in years. Whatever the scenario, it’s always best to suppose rather than assume.
