Day 1, and then 11 months later
Day One: 31/07/15
31st of July 2015 marked a special day, it was the first time in 8 years I felt true freedom and forgiveness of sin.
Now if I tell you I am a young Man, I pretty sure most of you can guess what this ‘sin’ I am on about was.
It was one Saturday morning probably around June time aged 12 when I first accessed porn, It wasn’t something I was pressured into or came across due to hearing older siblings talk about it (I am the oldest sibling).
It was my curious mind which wondered what happened if I typed “boobs” into google, so I did, and they came up.
So it had begun, I found myself accessing porn on the family computer of course while alone and then deleting the history, I guess this shows it was something I knew I shouldn’t have been doing. So it became my little secret, a secret I enjoyed but was scared others would discover.
It was this about a year or so later when I came the closest to revealing my secret, the computer got a virus. I assumed It was because of my usage and decided to own up and tell my mum that I had done something wrong that could had caused it, nothing specifics, just that It could have been my fault. She told me it was actually caused by something she had done; I was relived but knew I should have been more careful.
So I tried to stop and it worked, for a bit, after a while I found myself trying to find sexualised images in other places such as online newspaper articles and you tube. Although in terms of content not as bad as before I still felt like it was wrong and that I should stop, but I couldn’t.
By this point I was 14 and about to start GCSE’s so my parents bought me a laptop for my school work, a laptop I could use in my room behind closed doors. At the start it was still mild, put privacy and hormones were never a good mix.
And so the years rolled by, I grew up but little secret, my bad habit if you will stayed with me, even when I went to uni with its monitored internet usage I thought I had found a way out. However Unlimited 3G usage on my phone was my downfall.
Now those that remember the first sentence will noticed I said “forgiveness of sin” and will be wondering, so if you are a Christian were is God in all this.
And I reckon he was there,
As I made the same mistakes again and again.
I found myself on my computer trying to resist the temptation, failing, watching porn and masturbating, then standing in the shower cleaning myself and asking for forgiveness, only to repeat the cycle a few days later.
I would go to Christians camps once a year and the subject of porn came up many times, but each time I just stayed quite telling myself next time would be different. Even when my best friend got prayer as he was struggling with the same issue I remained quite keeping my secret to myself, all because of two big lies.
I can sort this myself.
And I can’t tell anyone what will they think of me after I wouldn’t be able to handle the shame
So I would leave these camps, and the next day fall into my old ways, and then year would continue as before.
Until this year, this year something changed.
It was the last night, an amazingly brave friend of mine got up and shared his failures, and is the way when the Holy Spirit moves my body responded, I physically couldn’t hide it anymore.
So I finally received prayer,
And felt true forgiveness and freedom,
It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I knew in that moment that my life had changed.
It says in Romans 12:2 “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”, and It is the truth, my mind had been renewed and my life was transformed, I knew that when I went back home I would not struggle, that I have been transformed.
At the time of writing it has been a month, and I can say I’m clean my addiction has gone and I am free.
11 Months later
So a 11 months have past since I first wrote the above piece and im glad to say that I am still enjoying freedom.
I will admit that the last year has not been perfect, there have been a couple of slips. After each one I had to pick myself back up ask for forgiveness and remind myself I had already beaten this and keep going.
So my advice if you are reading this and thinking that you struggle with these issues then find someone you trust and tell them. these things only have power when hidden in the darkness of secrets so bring them into the light.