I recently moved to a new country (and by “recently” I mean that I arrived about a month ago). By myself. Without my precious dog and without my long-term partner-turned-fiance. I moved for a number of reasons, mostly because I was offered an opportunity to study a subject very close to my heart at an elite university. I want to eventually do this work on a global scale, so I moved to a country whose capital is a humongous, bustling, international metropolis. I also moved for a couple of other reasons that I wasn’t too keen on sharing with others for fear of judgment. But, here goes:
- I could no longer take my family’s drama and my future-in-laws’ drama. I love my family (my mom and siblings) with all of my being and I would give my life for them in an instant, but the fact that my abusive father controlled all aspects of our lives was something I could no longer take when I turned 25. I knew I had to get away. I will always be there for my mother and siblings, and as is common in families where there is abuse, I am always ready at a moment’s notice to drop everything and run home. But I knew I wasn’t living the life I wanted, and the proximity to my dad’s outbursts and its repercussions were continuing to harm my mental health. I have done and sacrificed so much for my family, and will continue to do so, but there came a point where I realized that I could not keep them safe and wasn’t even doing so by staying nearby. Anything that was going to happen was going to happen whether I was there or not. The only person who can make the choice to leave is my mom, and I will be oh-so-ready for her when she makes that choice. My future-in-laws’ family though I had way less patience for, probably because I felt like their drama was largely self-inflicted and due to irresponsibility and laziness. Also they all lived within about a 5-mile radius and I did physically live with one in a roommate situation. Further, my fiance has like a TON of siblings, so every. day. there was a crisis. And I don’t mean the I-locked-my-keys-in-my-car-for-the-45th-time-this-year kind, I mean the I’m-filing-bankruptcy, I’m-losing-the-house, I-caught-Jake-cheating-and-I’m-pregnant, I-don’t-have-money-for-rent-again-for-the-14th-month-in-a-row, I’m-moving-back-in-with-mom, I-quit-my-job-because-this-$19/hour-job-is-too-hard, I’m-voting-for-Donald-Trump kind. It was so exhausting it wasn’t true. It was like they had each decided to schedule their drama on separate days of the week so that there was a fresh and new crisis coming forth every day. And because you know these people are about to become your new family you can’t just go around tearing people up and dropping truth bombs on them. So I decided to move to another country instead.
- I’m getting married and want to have kids. Why would that be a reason to drop everything and move abroad, you ask? Because that sentence right there is scary as fuck. My life will never be the same again. I currently enjoy a large degree of freedom and autonomy, but do you realize what getting married and having kids will do to that large degree of freedom and autonomy? Shrink it drastically, that’s what. By marrying this incredible man, I’m saying, “I will never again leave your side, I will be yours and you will be mine until the day I/you/we die.” That’s a solid 100+ years I just signed up for (I don’t plan on dying before the age of 126). What if I’m making a mistake? What if he’s making a mistake? What if we hate each other in a few years? What if we just get through it until the kids are out of the house and then we realize we don’t even know each other anymore? What if we don’t find each other sexually attractive anymore one day? Do people just STAY? Of course they do! Because they said “forever”, remember? That means through everything, so I have to contemplate the idea that I agreed to marry someone who I hypothetically could end up hating and resenting and regretting. Like I said, scary. Also, I know I want children, and children are actually more like cute, fun (and also disgusting and dictatorial) parasites for a long time before they start to take care of themselves. I will go through unspeakable pain to bring those suckers forth, and then I will continue to sustain them with my body until they at least grow teeth. My whole existence will revolve around their wellbeing, and while I know that the love I’ll gain from that experience will change me forever, it’s still terrifying. What if my children end up hating me? What if I royally screw up their lives? What if I don’t know what I’m getting myself into? What if I get postpartum depression and I don’t bond with my child? What if someone hurts my child? What if I’m forced to murder someone because they hurt my child? What if my child becomes sick? What if I die before my child can take care of him/herself? The possibilities for worry are endless. So I left everything I know behind to get in one last hurrah before I return to the real world and renounce my freedom and autonomy in exchange for something I hope will be what I’ve always dreamed of.
3. I’m young and I desperately want to see the world. As mentioned above, life can get in the way of your big plans. I have always wanted to travel, and I’ve been privileged enough to get to do that so far. In my short 26 years, I’ve visited and lived in over a dozen countries. That may not sound like much, but I know people who have never left their home country or home state before. People who lived such closed-off lives they had never even bothered to get to know their neighbors. Once things started getting serious with my partner, I knew I had to act fast. Luckily he loves to travel too, and we’ve had several incredible adventures abroad, but getting married and having children requires stability, so I knew I was going to start a career (as opposed to a job) and buy a house soon, and that meant less money and less time for exploring. It’s not impossible to travel with kids, but it’s not nearly as fun. I know this because I was once a child who traveled around a lot with her parents and complained a lot. I have also seen the lost and hopeless look of parents whose children are throwing temper tantrums in the middle of Customs. I’m just going to save myself the stress and travel as much as I can before I have kids.
4. I don’t actually know who I am very well. I thought I did, but I knew who I was in a very superficial sense. I hadn’t analyzed myself in a long time, and I definitely hadn’t been challenged enough to make me question whether what I thought of myself was even accurate. Moving abroad and going back to school has made me question absolutely everything. I’ve learned that I’m capable of so much more than I thought. I’ve learned that I’m actually a leader after a lifetime of being too shy to initiate conversations. I’ve learned that I’m not the smartest person in the world after a lifetime of only ever shining in an academic setting. I learned that I was getting a lot of shit wrong in my “old life”. I learned that just because you move to an internationally diverse city doesn’t mean everyone wants to travel. I learned that just because you study a subject with other people who are equally as passionate about it as you doesn’t mean you’re all going to be best friends. I’m also slowly coming to terms with parts of me I suspected existed and have now been confirmed. For example, at 26, it’s still hard for me to make friends; I’m pretty confident I’m socially awkward; I think a lot about what people think of me; I think I inherited my biological dad’s social paranoia; I don’t perform well being put on the spot; and I don’t think I’m one of those people who will ever have a best friend. This all in just a month of being in a new land!
So the experience is definitely paying off. The things I wanted to accomplish are slowly getting checked off the list. If you’ve ever considered doing something similar, let me just take this moment to give you an emphatic push of encouragement: “DO IT!” I cannot think of a single situation that would require anyone to reflect, “That was the worst decision I ever made.” Literally nothing comes to mind. And through the definite loneliness, the challenges, the tears, and the fears, I would get on that plane again every single time. This has become one of my proudest achievements and a clear defining moment in my life, no doubt.
Now, once I get back, I’ll just have to worry about the crushing student debt I’ve incurred and pray to God I get a job that justifies it.
