Honor and Privilege
It has been an honor and a privilege to serve as the Senior Brandon of the Council of Brandons over the last decade. Unfortunately, the Brendans, Brandens, and Brians of the world have petitioned the government and held protests in an effort (which, honestly, I believe has been secretly orchestrated by the Doug Alliance) to break up the Council into smaller groups and unseat all members in power (me).
My sincere hope is that Brandons from all over the world abide by the new regulations affecting the Brandon Brotherhood. At least for a while. It is only through patience, plotting, and planning (the Three P’s) that we can ever hope to regain our power and influence.
Sure, the Kyle Conglomerate might be in control for a little while. When have you ever seen a Kyle hold onto anything good? Don’t make me laugh (*laughs anyway*). The Doug Alliance is our greatest enemy and continues to be our greatest threat. The danger of the Dougs is their clever disguises of slack-jawed expressions and low test scores. Do not be deceived by their deceit! My Brandon Brothers, please stay vigilant.
I am proud of the Council’s achievements over the past 10 years. Some might think the iPhone is the clearest example of our intelligence, influence, and creativity. However, the Council’s greatest achievements cannot be confessed at this time. This letter could find its way into the wrong hands and our secrets revealed. So, I will hold these secrets in my bosom and blush with pride when I imagine some celebrity giving me a medal to commemorate the many occasions when we did stuff that no Brendan or Kyle could ever dream of accomplishing.
Alas, my heart is heavy but my overall health would get a B+. My fellow Brandons, you may feel like this is the end of an era, and you’re right. Please remember that “era” spelled backwards is “are” and when you wonder who is in control: You are. The most astonishing fact about our success has been the tenacious pursuit of secrecy and just plain ol’ coolness. No Doug in the world can take that away.
What does my future hold? I’m not sure but I don’t think it’s prison. If the police ask if you’ve seen me or received a resignation letter from me, please say no. It’s more convincing if you drool a little and say your name is Doug. I have a few business ideas that could be outrageous successes or soul-crushing failures. Only time and my as-of-now extremely limited knowledge of the banking system will tell.
Farewell, friends. I cannot say that I loved you all but I can say that your monthly donations and subscription fees and timeshare purchases were never used for my own personal gain. I only wish last year’s fire had not burned all the records and Brandon the Accountant.
Until we meet again,
“The only hope we have is a Brandon on a mission.”