When i look at the word “infinite” i feel as though i want to become it. I want to be limitless and impossible to measure. I want to be so unique theres nothing else quite like myself.
But in reality it is hard to measure up to the expectations we put on ourselves.
I have always been extremely hard on myself. I’ve told myself countless times that i am terrible at everything and i will never be the best at anything no matter how hard i try.. so i simply stop trying.
This relates to every aspect of my life. I sabotage everything. Everything that i am working towards or already have. I give up because i am weak.. because i will never be good enough.. because i am a worthless person. Sometimes i actually believe those words.. weak, never good enough, worthless. Those words take over and suddenly i am falling into a pit of nothingness. It is unimaginably hard to see the light shining into that pit because most days it seems so far up and unreachable. However, i am living for those days that i can feel the light shining down so hard it is nearly blinding.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
That is something i feel connected to. That quote resonates deep inside of me. When i first heard it tonight, i cried. But crying is not a unusually thing for me to do lately, not a day goes by where i do not shed one tear at least. What i take from this quote is we will take as much as we want to. Whether that is love, friendship, acceptance and self admiration.
It is hard to take something if you do not know how much you can carry. I mean you only have two hands and they can only hold so much. But it is those who think outside the box that gain more. You can fit so much in your arms if you hold them the right way, in your mouth if you open it big enough, and just shove it in your clothing. If you really want all you can get, you will find a way to get it.. and get every last bit.
But for those who struggle with self confidence and self love, it is hard to understand we deserve more than we take. We deserve so much more but we will never take it if we do not get a helping hand.
What we should take:
Love; when you feel like nothing and unimportant it is hard to accept love. When you can barely love yourself why would others love you? But you need to learn there are people that do love you and there are people that you wished loved you.
Friendship; such a special relationship to have with others. It is very important to have at least one very close friend. I am luckily enough to have more than one, but some are not.
Acceptance; it is hard to be your true self around others. You want to feel accepted so darn bad you start to lose your true self and that is the true tragedy in our society. We accept those we want and not those that deserve it.. and that is everyone. Everyone deserves to be accepted for all that they are. If you are not, forget them, they are not worth that negativity.
Self Admiration; this is a major one in my life, i barely take a handful of this. I am beyond hard on myself. I put myself down like no one else could. If someone told me i was the ugliest person they’d ever seen.. i would be like “yup i totally agree with you”, that is how much i hate myself. If i disappeared from this world i would be so grateful. Theres billions of humans on earth, why am i here?
In the end all you can do is try. Try a bit harder everyday no matter how hard it can be or how heavy the load you are carrying can be. Soon enough it will slowly be getting lighter and ligher and that is because you are only getting stronger each day while you carry as much as you can take.
You will always see the light in every situation.. you just need to look harder.
Until next time,