Welcome… i guess

So ive done the whole blog thing before but i kinda got out of it because of how busy school can be.. it can literally take over your life. But here i am at 6:30am writing a post. Not entirely sure where i am going with this but lets find out.

this is me showing excitment

My name is Mackayla (if you didnt already know from my profile name). I am 18 years old and i go to Fanshawe College for fashion design. I have spent my entire life dealing with something i didnt even knew i had, but ill get to that soon just wait (the anticipation is killing you isnt it). I grew up in a town called Milton.. literally ive never lived anywhere else besides Milton. I was raised by my parents in a small house with my older sister. I was such a handleful apparently my parents didnt have any more kids.. sorry mom and dad :/. I had a pretty basic childhood; went to school, had friends, and did activities outside of school. The major activity that started out as a hobby then turned into a lifestyle was dance. I started dancing at the age of 3 i believe (it was a long time ago and i have a terrible memory) and stopped at the age of 18. I was a competitive dancer for my entire life. My life consisted of waking up for school, going to school, coming home from school, going to dance, coming home from dance and repeat for 18 years. So you could say i had a huge outlet in my life to release emotions. But now, i live in London and i dont dance anymore. My life has completely changed and a problem has risen from it.


I have been diagnosed with depression.


Man that sounds terrible.. and well some days it is exactly that. I think i always had depression but i was able to deal with it because of dance and having that physical and mental place to go to everyday and forget it. However, now ive lost that part of my life. Now knowing i actually have a mental illness makes many moments in my past years come full circle. Lets take a trip down memory lane. In grade 9 i had trouble fitting in with my friends and when i realized i didnt belong with them, i lost all motivation to even try and it triggered my depression (which i didnt know i had) and i lost those friends, but luckily i didnt totally give up on myself because i switched schools and made a ton a new friends in which i did belong with. In grade 10 it was a weird year because i was happy with my life but yet i would have suicidal thoughts and i didnt know why. I would have to walk to school and theres a bridge i need to cross on my way, and as i would walk on this bridge i would think to myself “what if i just jumped off, what would that be like”. Obviously i never did it but i always had those thoughts. Then the thoughts stopped in grade 11 and 12 and i forgot about it. I loved my last two years of high school, there was nothing to complain about.


Now i live in a whole different city away from my home. I feel alone. I am surrounded by friends i could go to but somedays it just isnt enough. I feel so far away from who i use to be, i dont know who i am anymore. For the first semester and the first few months of this semester of school, i suffered by myself. I did not understand what was going on with me and i did not want to come to terms with it. I would have constant thoughts of killing myself and the thought of death did not scare me because it seemed better than suffering here on earth. However, ironically i reached out to someone on the day in which you should get help. It was Bell Lets Talk day and i subconsciously reached out to one of my best friends through text and she took action by getting in touch with my mom. At the time i was angry that she would go behind my back but i quickly came to realize she is most likely the reason i will be sticking around. Without her help i would just continue to get worse and it would come to an end point where i couldnt turn back.


Slowly i am getting better. But i still have those bad days where i wont get out of bed because i just cant. Then those good days come around and it makes living feel so worth it all. I do have so much to live for; my family, my friends, the boy i love and just life itself. I am so young and who knows where i will be in 5–10 years, i dont want to miss out on any great opportunities that life has to offer me. In honour of me fighting my inner battle i got a tattoo to remind myself to stay here and live each moment. Whenever i am feeling anything that is remotely negative, all i need to do is look down at my arm and remember i have so much to live for.

be here now

I think i’ve rambled on enough about my life and you’re probably tired of reading this.. thats if people are actually going to read this.

Until next time,

deuces

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