You Can’t Go Back (Part One)

M. Wilcox
M. Wilcox
Sep 8, 2018 · 4 min read
Photo by Sandy Zebua on Unsplash

I am a missionary kid (MK), and my parents were missionaries for over 20 years in the Philippines, which meant that my three siblings and I all grew up in a foreign country. Before I graduated from high school my parents gave me a beautiful quilt with scenes from the Philippines on it. It was a senior gift, to be a keepsake when I returned to the US for college. I still have the quilt and the other day as I glanced at it I thought “You can’t go back” and I started asking myself “Why when I am reminded of the Philippines does this phrase ‘You can’t go back’ keep popping up?” I know it doesn’t mean I can’t physically go back. I could hop on a plane and be back in less than 24 hours. What it means is the place I used to call home no longer exists anymore. When my classmates and I graduated from high school we all went our separate ways to different states within the US and even to different countries. My MK friends from elementary and middle school are spread out over multiple countries. There was no guarantee that you would see your old friends on Christmas or Thanksgiving holidays as many of my peers’ parents would also leave the Philippines and return to their passport countries. You can’t go back to a place that has disbanded.

Back to the quilt- as I was looking at the quilt with its pictures from the Philippines- rice patties and palm trees, I remembered a conversation I had with a missionary we had recently shared a meal with. We were talking about missionary life and having to move frequently and he asked me “I’m not traumatizing my kids right?” I knew before I opened my mouth what the truth was and that I could not say it. I had to say the “acceptable” response. I told him “No, but every kid is different” or something to that effect. How could I tell him the truth? “Yes, you’re kids are being traumatized, but they probably won’t know it until they are in their twenties and they won’t be able to articulate it until later than that” is not what missionaries want to hear. “Yes, your kids will return to their ‘home’ country only to realize that they don’t have a home.” When you belong to two places, you really belong to none. That is what they don’t tell you at the transition seminars. Why did I feel that I could not share this information with this missionary? The Christian community has by and large decided that MKs need to focus on the good parts of their experience- you know- all the adventures, and in the process it becomes taboo to talk about the trauma that comes along with growing up in two different cultures.

There are groups out there that are helping to educate missionary parents on this and I want to give them credit for that. The majority of the Christian community though I believe have views that make MKs feel like they are not allowed to mourn when they move or when they try to transition back to their passport country. “It’s OK, you’ll make new friends in the next city we move to.” is one such statement. When someone is not allowed to grieve properly they will engage in avoidance behavior. They will tell themselves they feel OK, or will try to bury their sad feelings. This is unhealthy! If you are a missionary parent reading this, please, do not do this to your child. Let them grieve; let them say goodbye properly. If you are an MK reading this don’t let anyone make you feel guilty when you need to grieve. Before Gandalf departs in The Return of the King he says “I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are evil.” Find someone you trust that you can talk to as you work through your grief.

What do we do if we can’t go back? We move forward. This doesn’t mean you need to forget about your past or disown your faith (although sadly this happens quite often). Moving forward means joining a community wherever you happen to live. Join a local church and small group and get involved in other people’s lives. We were not meant to be “lone rangers”, we were meant to live in community. “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another — and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24‭-‬25. Throughout our marriage, church small groups, or life groups, have been the main community for my husband and I. Only when we human beings are part of something bigger than ourselves can we be emotionally healthy and have a sense of purpose that lines up with God’s will.

Lastly, remember that this earth is not our true home. No matter what country you live in, our true country is not here, it is in heaven. We are all aliens here, tasked with being good stewards of our time and resources until “He returns or calls [us] home”, as the old hymn reminds us. And what a glorious home it will be.

You Can’t Go Back (Part Two)


Originally published at mackenziewilcox.wordpress.com on September 8, 2018.

M. Wilcox

Written by

M. Wilcox

Faith. Family. Community.

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