Let Me Tell You About My First Name

Names are great, but the stories behind Almost Names are even better.

Simone Hill won a GRAMMY. Simone Hill purchased a two-bedroom apartment in Williamsburg back when it was still cheap. Simone Hill has a collection of over 1,000 vinyl records, which sit on her vintage mid-century console, next to that photo of her backpacking through India.

Madeline Hill “won” a participation trophy on her volleyball team. Madeline Hill purchased a pair of designer jeans off ebay with the money she saved working as a mother’s helper. Madeline Hill has a collection of over 500 fashion magazines, which sit on the IKEA dresser in her parent’s house, next to that photo of her modeling in Japan.

Names define who we are. Names shape our identity, our stationary collection, and even the speed of calling roll when you have a substitute teacher in AP Calculus.

Name are our family legacies that span generations, our mom’s favorite actor, and sometimes even a piece of fruit.

Sure, the names on our driver’s licenses are fine. They work for us. But, those last minute What Could’ve Been names are the ones that are really great.

Meet the Almost Names: The ones changed in the delivery room. The ones where your parents realized that their neighbor Debby is also thinking about naming her daughter Rebecca. Those are the really good ones.

This got me thinking: How many other individuals have Almost Names that are a little out-of-the-box? Are there multiple people with the same weird Almost Name? Who was almost named after a character in Harry Potter? I knew they were out there, so I turned to Twitter.

The response was overwhelming. Right off the bat, there were some weird ones. There were some famous ones. There were even a few patriotic ones.

But the patterns are what stuck out to me. Patterns of naming styles and actual names. Names I didn’t even KNOW two people could’ve almost been named!

That’s what makes the following groups even more interesting: The similarities between us all. No matter where you come from, your families are really fucking weird. This weirdness unites us and that’s something special.

In these chaotic and bizarre times, it’s nice to take a second to reflect on how human we are. Everyone makes mistakes. Even the people that created us.

THE ALMOST NAMES

Below, I’ve grouped some patterns I’ve found—and just some damn good ones.

CARS

RHYMING

TWO THORS

COULD’VE BEEN BAD TIMING

POP CULTURE FIGURES

THE LITERAL NUMBER SEVEN

HISTORICAL FIGURES

THE NEIGHBOR WHO GOT TO IT FIRST

STEELY DAN’S ‘AJA’

LAST MINUTE CHANGES

LEAVE IT UP TO THE HAIR COLOR

See even more Almost Names here.